If you Jump I will Jump too
by gleekyk
Summary: When Robin heard the news that Barney's getting married, she finds herself standing on the edge of the roof, and Barney finds himself willing to do anything to get her down.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: Robin and Barney fanfic. I always say that they're probably going to be a one shot, but then people ask me to write another chapter and I usually do. Anyway I hope you like this! I would also like to say I proofread, but am not the best, so I apologize if I made any mistakes.**

_Cause if you jump I will jump too,_

_We will fall together_

_From the building's ledge,_

_Never looking back at what we've done_

_We'll say it was love._

_-Skyway Avenue, We The Kings (I know it's corny, but really I had to!)_

Barney was never the romantic. Robin never remembered any grad gestures or sweeping her off of her feet. He was always nice to her, sure, but she never saw him make half the effort he did with the bimbos at the bar.

Her name was Cassidy, and apparently she wasn't like the other bimbos. Robin tried really hard to hate her, but the truth was that Cassidy was perfect. Robin decided that was the perfect reason to hate her. And she didn't put up with Barney's games which meant she was perfect for Barney. She was perfect for Barney that same way that Robin always thought she was. _Perfect. Perfect. Perfect._ If that world came anywhere near Robin's mind again, she was afraid she might lose it.

She was pretty and blonde and funny. She wanted kids; she could _give_ Barney the kids that he wanted. She wanted the happily ever after that Robin tried for years to avoid and Barney was now desiring.

In a nutshell, Cassidy had everything that Robin had and then some more. It was why Barney loved her. Yes, Barney loved her so very much. That's what he said at least. It had only been a couple months, and most of the group wasn't convinced that it was love, but hearing Barney talk this way about a woman was rare. It made Lily smile, hoping that her friend had finally changed his perverted ways. It made Robin want to puke. They were so lovey dovey with each other. It wasn't Barney.

"It's like… she's perfect." Barney said with a goofy grin on his face. _Robin had to physically stop herself from punching him._ The five were all at MacLaren's, it was just like they always were, only it was different because Barney had just told them that he and Cassidy were getting married… in a few short months. The news hit Robin hard as she thought about Cassidy walking down the aisle in her beautiful wedding dress, smiling at Barney then taking his hand and looking lovingly into his eyes. They would promise to love each other forever, and make all of the other promises that were Robin's to make to him.

"This is so exciting." Lily said. She was genuinely excited, which yanked at Robin's heart strings. Why did her friends have to like this girl so much? Why couldn't they all tell Barney how awful she was and what a mistake he was making. It was hard to dislike Cassidy, though. She was one of the nicest people that Robin and ever met, yet somehow that made her hate that bitch even more.

Robin sat quietly, looking down in her drink. It wasn't her first one of the night. Ever since Barney had broken the "good" news to his friends, she's been downing the scotch like a pro, but every drink just made her feel worse.

"I just never thought that something like this would happen to me, but I don't know… I just guess that people change." For some reason this enraged Robin. He could change for some random skank that he barely knew and was now going to marry, but he couldn't change for her? She was Robin. _You never asked him to change_, she reminded herself. She never told him that she wanted to marry him and have his babies. She was never going to have his babies; this news was still sinking in, and now she found out that her chances of ever being with Barney were getting slimmer and slimmer.

"I… I have to go." Robin said quietly, walking as fast as should could out of the bar. She didn't want her friends to see that she was starting to cry.

She went to the place where it really all began for her and Barney. It was the place where she first told him that she loved him, sure she was just Mosbying him, but now that she looked back on it, she probably did love him at that time. She wasn't sure when it started, when she realized that she loved her best friend, but on that day, that seemed like decades ago, she was pretty sure that she did.

She took deep and frantic breaths, as if the air was going to disappear at any moment. When she went up to the roof it wasn't her intention to go to the ledge, but it was where she was drawn too. She remembered how her and her friends jumped to the other side, and how symbolic it was of each of their dreams and future. She was back on the rooftop though, back on the other side.

She looked down at the cars that drove under the building. Her vision was blurred from tears and scotch, but it didn't make it any less real. She could see the ground where she would hit if she took one more small step forward. That was all that she needed to do and she would be dead.

Dead. She never thought about actually being dead. She thought about making the pain and hurt stop, and never having to see Cassidy and her perfect blonde hair again. She never thought about leaving everyone that she loved behind her.

It would be so easy to let herself jump. She could take one big leap and that would be it. She closed her eyes, thinking of everything that had brought her here. There were a million things wrong with her, but right now the only thing that she could think of was the thought of Barney… Barney and Cassidy. She thought that it would become less real if she closed her eyes, but it had the opposite effect. She heard the sounds of New York City below her more clearly then before, and it scared her more then she thought that it would.

"What are you doing?" She heard a voice whisper behind her. She didn't have to turn around. She knew that it was Barney.

"Barney… go back to the bar." She said uselessly. She knew that he wasn't going to go back.

"Get down from there, Robin." She heard fear in his voice. It was an emotion that he didn't often show, but she recognized it instantly. "You're… you're going to fall." He said, knowing that that was her intention.

"Just go." She replied louder. "I just need you to go so I can think."

"Well why don't you come down from there and think in the apartment."

"No." She said, determined. She knew that she had to make her decision up here. If she got down, she wasn't getting back up. Barney knew this too. "Barney just-"

"I'm not going to go." He said firmly, and she knew that he wouldn't. What Barney did next surprised Robin, and few things that Barney did (not including the spontaneous wedding, that was a pretty big shock) surprised her.

Barney climbed up next to her and grabbed her hand. She looked down at his warm fingers intertwined with her's. "Barney, what are you doing?"

"Well if you plan on jumping then you're going to have to take me down with you."

Something inside of her came back to reality. What was she thinking? Because Barney was going to marry another woman? That was her reason for standing a step away from her death. "I'm not going to jump." She said, almost with a laugh. "You just… you can see the city so much better from right here."

He smiled at her, and stepped back down onto the roof, not letting go of her hand. He held her waist with his other hand and made sure that she was standing next to him safely before he let go. "Maybe the rooftop isn't the best place for you."

"I like it up here." She said quietly.

"Because you like living on the edge?"

She nodded; wiping the tears that she just remembered had fallen down her face only moments before. She knew that Barney had seen them, but she was grateful that he didn't make a comment about them.

"Well you scared the hell out of me." He said quietly. "I thought you were really going to jump."

"Why did that scare you?" She asked. She knew the truth. Or maybe she didn't, either way she wanted to hear what Barney had to say.

"Because you're my best friend, Robin, I don't know what I'd do if I lost you." He sounded so sincere, and Robin knew that she was one of the few women that Barney was always sincere with.

She held his hand. "That was pretty brave of you, and also kind of stupid."

He smiled at her. "I knew that you wouldn't jump if I was there with you."

"I wasn't going to jump." She repeated.

"Okay." He said, nodding, but he knew that he could have just saved Robin's life, and he would have gotten on that ledge a million times if it meant saving Robin.


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: Yeah, I couldn't resist writing a second chapter to this story. I hope you guys enjoy it. I think that I'll write a few more chapters after this one.**

Barney carried Robin down from the roof and took her to her bed, he tried to let go, but she kept holding him tighter. It was so unlike Robin to be so needy. She was usually so independent, but Barney didn't really mind at this point. He was just so thankful that she was okay and that he didn't have to find what was left of her on the sidewalk the next morning. "Robin, what's up with you? This isn't the Robin that I know."

"I'm sorry." She said, knowing that it was true. She was sure that it was mostly the alcohol that was making her act this way, and she was sure that she would be disgusted by the parts that she could remember the next morning. "This isn't the Robin that I know either."

He sat down, placing her on his lap, her arms still tight around his neck. "Are you going to leave?" Robin asked.

"I should get back home to…" Her grip on him tightened as if holding on to him tighter would keep him from leaving. Surprisingly it had just that effect on Barney. Usually if a woman was begging him to stay in her bed with her, it was his pleasure to comply, because of course, Barney liked sex. This was one of the rare times that he wanted to stay for her. "But I think you need a friend right now, and what kind of friend would I be if I left you like this?" He said.

She nuzzled her face into his neck. "Don't leave, Barney." She said into his ear. "Don't leave."

"How much have you had to drink?" He asked, changing the subject.

"A lot… too much." She mumbled

He felt a more tears on his neck, and instinctively rubbed her back comfortingly. "Calm down, Robin, what's wrong? I don't understand."

"I don't want you to leave."

"I'm not going to leave."

"I don't know if I was going to jump." She confessed pulling away long enough to look him in the eye. "If you hadn't come then I don't know what would have happened." Barney knew that this was true, but instead of saying this, or anything, he ran his fingers through her hair. "Barney… I'm sorry. I'm being selfish. If you want to go be with… Cassidy tonight, then you can."

"I don't." He said quickly, probably more quickly then he should have. "I want to stay with you until I know that you're okay."

Robin looked at him hungrily, like he had everything that she wanted in just a kiss, and he wanted that kiss so bad, but he thought about Cassidy, and he thought about all of the alcohol that she had had that night.

"You should lie down." Barney said quietly. "You need to get some sleep."

"I'm not tired." She said hoarsely, leaning closer.

"Robin, I can't do this to you. You're not even going to remember this in the morning."

"Then what's the problem? You won't even have to kick me out tomorrow. You can just… leave."

"It's a problem because you're not a one night stand, you mean more to me than that, and I can't cheapen our relationship by doing this."

"Stop talking." She said, leaning in the rest of the way and kissing him. "Just stop talking."

"I'm getting married." He tried, desperately.

"And you love her?"

"Yes."

"More than me?"

The question buried itself in Barney's head. How does he answer something like that? If he told her yes, then it would be a lie. She was Robin. He wasn't sure if it was possible to love someone more than he loved her.

"I've never stood on the edge of a building for Cassidy." He said. "I guess you don't know how much you… care about someone until you're there, telling them that they can't jump."

"Don't get married."

"I have to."

"No you don't." She pleaded. "Tell Cassidy that you can't. Please."

"Robin… I love you, but I can't go down that road again."

Robin got off of Barney's lap, not bothering try to stop the threatening tears that were stinging her eyes. "Was I really that horrible to be with?"

"We didn't work for a reason… then I wanted to give it another chance… but you couldn't."

"So it's my fault." She said, looking at the ground. There was no resentment or anger in her voice. It was more of a realization. The only person she should be mad at was herself.

"Robin, it's not your fault. You did what you thought would be best for you."

"I love you, Barney." She said. Her voice was scared, like if she didn't say it quickly then it would be lost forever.

"I love you too, but maybe… you should call Ted or Lily to stay with you tonight."

"I don't want any of them… I just want… you."

"There was a time when the only thing I wanted was you. There was a long time when you were all I wanted, and it took a lot to move on from you, and I don't want to go back there, because I couldn't stand if we broke up again. If we… didn't work a second time, I don't know if I could be friends with you, and I need you."

"I need you too." Robin pleaded. "Do you know how hard it is for me to admit these things to you?"

"It's not easy to tell you how I feel either. It's not fair that you decide that you want to be with me now, after it took so long for me to not wish you'd say those words every time that you opened your mouth. It wasn't easy getting over you."

"I've been told that I'm pretty hard to get over." She said, quietly, a small smile forming in the corners of her mouth. "I'm sorry that… I'm just sorry about everything."

He shook his head. "You have nothing to be sorry about."

"Can you just… can you make me a promise?"

"Yeah?"

"If you get up there with her, only marry her if you love her more then me… If you don't then… then please don't marry her.

"I… Okay." He said with a sigh.

"Can you still stay with me please?" She asked, crawling back into her bed and resting her head on his chest. "I still want you to stay with me."

Barney knew that he shouldn't, but the truth was that he wanted to stay with her too, so he kicked off his shoes and laid down next to her. "You know, I shouldn't be doing this." He said to himself more then to her.

"But you want to be here." She reminded him.

He nodded. "I want to be here more than anywhere else in the world."

This time it wasn't Robin that initiated the kiss, it was Barney. There was just something about Robin, and no matter how hard he tried to push it down, he loved her. He wanted to be with her, and when she was there asking, he just couldn't say no.

"You're pretty drunk." He reminded her, as he pulled her shirt off of her.

"I know." She said, pulling him in for another kiss.

"You're vulnerable too." He said, undoing her pants.

"So vulnerable." She agreed.

"And I'm… Barney." He said, fumbling to unhook her bra.

She smiled. "Yeah, you're Barney."

She didn't state he was Barney as though it were something bad, that's what she always said before the first got together when someone would suggest that there was something between them. She'd laugh and say, "It's Barney." Neither of them were sure what it meant exactly, but tonight it meant one thing.

_I want to be with you, because you're Barney_. And he wanted to be with her because she was Robin.

It wasn't until the next morning that they really understood what it was that they had done.


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: Don't hate me for this chapter. I like to make things as bad as they can possibly get before they better again. I hope that you guys like it! There's also some Robin/Ted friendship in this chapter. I hope you like it.**

Robin expected to wake up in Barney's arms like she had so many times before. She expected to see his smiling face, and feel his warm body. Instead she woke up alone. He wasn't in her bedroom. He wasn't in her bathroom. He wasn't in her apartment at all. Had she really expected more from Barney? She wiped her tears as she told herself that she didn't, even though she knew that she did.

"Where do you go last night?" asked a voice from behind her. It was Ted, she hoped for a second that it was Barney, but she wasn't that lucky.

"Oh, I just went for a walk." She said, turning around and hoping that her eyes weren't puffy.

"Have you been crying?"

"What? No."

Ted raised his eyebrow. "It looks like you've been crying."

"Well I haven't." She said, annoyed.

"You better get ready." He said, changing the subject.

"Ready for what?"

"We're meeting everyone at MacLaren's, remember? Barney asked us to all have lunch with Cassidy."

"Oh yeah." Robin said, her heart sinking at the realization that she was going to have to face not only Barney in less than hour, but his bride to be as well.

"Do we have to go?" Robin asked. "Maybe you and I can clean the apartment instead, or eat cockroaches, or something fun like that."

Ted smiled at her. "It'll be fine, Robin."

She sighed, wishing that she could tell Ted everything, but knowing that it would only make everything worse.

-xxx-

Robin sat awkwardly next to Barney, Cassidy on his other side. She hadn't said a word since her and Ted arrived, except for a quiet "hey" directed towards the table as a whole. Barney had, for the most part, was acting just as on edge. Cassidy didn't seem to notice the awkwardness between Robin and Barney, as she carried on a conversation with Lily about the kind of flowers that she wanted for the wedding.

"Well I've always liked calla lilies, but roses seem so much more elegant. What do you think Robin?"

Robin looked up at the mention of her name. "What?"

"The flowers? Do you think calla lilies or roses would look better?"

Robin looked at her as if she had just been insulted. "Does it really matter?" Robin snapped. "They're just flowers, they don't mean anything. It doesn't matter which one you love more, because that doesn't meant that they're the ones that you're going to chose. You could love calla lilies a lot, but then you see a pretty little rose, and you'll forget all about the calla lilies like they never meant anything to you." She got up, grabbed her purse, and stormed off angrily, upset with Barney for leaving in the middle of the night, and upset with herself for making showing him her emotions.

She sat on the front steps of the apartment building, wondering why she had cried so much in the last couple days as she felt a fresh batch of tears begin to surface.

"What the hell was that?" Barney asked. He was standing alone in front of her.

"Oh, I'm sorry I wasn't able to pretend like everything was okay."

"What are you talking about?"

"I'm not okay, Barney. I'm not okay with you marrying her and I'm not okay with you leaving without saying goodbye!"

"That's what this is about? Yeah, I left, what did you expect?"

"I expected to wake up in your arms. Damn it, Barney, you know, I thought that I was more than just a number."

"Robin, you are more than just a number. You're crazy if you think you aren't."

"Then why don't you treat me that way? Why did you have to save me last night?"

"You remember that part?"

"I remember the whole night." She said, it was a little fuzzy, but it was true. She remembered the rooftop and the sex, and falling asleep happy. "Why did you bother to save me if you were just going to let me fall again?"

"Do you understand what you're asking me to do? You want me to leave Cassidy. I can't do that."

"What do you mean you can't do that? You're actually going to pick her?"

"I already picked her." Barney said angrily. "You picked Kevin and I picked Cassidy." Robin had forgotten all about Kevin. She still had Kevin, which was a plus, right? Then why hadn't she thought about him once since she was standing on that roof?

"I change my mind! I pick you! I pick you! I pick you!"

"It's too late, Robin."

"I hate you." She said, with as much venom in her voice as she could muster. They both knew it wasn't true, but if felt good to say. "Next time, let me jump." She tried to make her way back up to her apartment before he could stop her, she made it into the hallway before he grabbed her arm roughly, which strangely turned her on. Why did rough anything do that to her?

"Let go of me." She said, meeting his eyes. Her voice wasn't filled with venom anymore. It was filled with sad pleas.

He let go, not expecting this weak, scared voice to come from Robin. "Please… don't do anything stupid." Barney begged.

"Why do you care what I do?"

"Damn it, Robin, stop acting like you don't know I love you."

"You should get back to your date."

"Promise me."

"She's probably wondering what's taking you so long."

"Promise me!" He said, raising his voice. "Promise me that you'll call me if you need me."

"I'm not going to call you." she said, pushing him. "And I'm not going to need you."

"Stop." He said, trying to grab her again.

"Don't touch me." She yelled. Barney wished that he didn't think she was so beautiful despite the mascara which left two black streaks down her face.

"Robin." He said in a soothing voice, "Just settle down."

"I hate you, Barney. I hate you." She said, pushing him again.

He grabbed her wrists. "Robin, stop it." She used every inch of her body to fight him, but he was stronger then she was and his grip was tight. She eventually just gave in and let him pull her in for a hug. "It's okay," he whispered into her ear. "You're going to be okay."

She let herself cry on him, thinking of how ironic it was that he was the one that wanted so desperately to help her, yet he was the one that was hurting her so deeply.

-xxx-

Ted was confused when he walked into the apartment and saw it in complete disarray.

"Robin?" He called.

"Oh… Hi Ted." She said, coming slowly out of her bedroom. "I'm… sorry about this." There were a few smashed lamps, the couch cushions were on the other side of the apartment. The table was knocked over with all of its contents sprawled on the floor. It looked as if a tornado had gone threw the place.

"What the hell happened?" He asked. He wanted to be mad, but Robin had never done anything like this before, so he had a feeling that she was more upset then he would ever know. That was when he noticed there was blood. Her left hand was covered, and there was some on her shirt, and a smear on her face. "What happened?" He asked.

"The lamp." She said. "I cut myself when I was throwing my temper tantrum. I'm sorry, it's stupid." He took her hand and ran it under cold water.

"You might need stitches." He said, quietly.

"I'll be fine." She replied in the same tone.

He cleaned the blood off of her like a parent cleaning mud off of their child after playing in a rain storm. She winced when he poured hydrogen peroxide onto her cut.

"Is this about Barney's wedding?" He asked.

"Barney's wedding? No way, I'm happy for him." Even she knew how insincere it sounded.

He took a clean towel and put it tightly around Robin's hand. "You're a mess." He said with a small laugh.

"I know." She said back, trying to muster a small laugh.

"It's going to be okay." Ted told her. "I know that you're hurting right now, but it's going to be okay."

"How can you possibly know that?"

"You and Barney slept together, didn't you?"

"What?" Robin asked. "Why… How…?"

"It was pretty easy to see at lunch."

"Ted, I don't understand what's happening to me."

"You're heart is broken. It's a condition that I've dealt with many times in my life, and I can tell you from experience that it gets better."

"I made you feel this way?" She asked, looking around at the room.

"Well, I didn't break innocent lamps, but yeah. I had my share of restless night."

"I'm sorry." She sighed. "I just need this wedding to be over."

Robin's phone went off. "It's Kevin." She sighed. "Well, I guess I can't ignore him forever." Robin took notice to that fact that she could talk to her ex-boyfriend about the way she felt easier than she could Kevin. She tried to ignore it, but it made her think that maybe it meant that she shouldn't be with Kevin. Of course she shouldn't be with Kevin, she couldn't even fool herself.

**A/N: Just to be clear, Barney didn't physically hurt Robin during their fight**


	4. Chapter 4

When Robin hears a knock on her bedroom door later that night she assumed that it was Ted coming to check on her. "Come in." She said, sitting up. Ted was someone that she could always trust. She was happy that their relationship worked out the way that it did, because she needed a friend like Ted right now. She needed him to make it through the wedding and everything else that came after.

Kevin had noticed that there was something wrong with Robin during their phone conversation earlier that night, and he offered to come and stay with her, but she insisted that he didn't. She didn't think that being with Kevin would have made her feel any better at this point.

"Hey." said a voice that wasn't Ted's. A voice that made her face drop quickly. It was the voice and the face and the body of Barney.

"What are you doing here?"

"Ted called me… he wanted me to make sure that you're okay." Robin made a mental note to kill Ted.

"Well I'm fine." She said, coldly.

"Don't be like that." He said, closing the door behind him and sitting on the edge of her bed.

"Barney, please leave."

"I have to know that you're really okay."

"I'm not okay." She said angrily. "You know that I'm not okay. What else do you want from me?"

"What can I do to make it better?" He asked desperately.

"Nothing." She said, trying to remain composed. "There is nothing that anyone can do. I just have to… I just have to learn to live with everything that's happening."

"I love you." He said. "You know that I love you." She was quickly losing all of her strength again, and she just wanted him to go, before she became that girl that she hated so much. The girl that broke lamps, and didn't care that the glass cut her palm, in fact, she found it oddly freeing. The girl that wanted to jump off of roofs and locked herself in bathrooms to cry. She hated when she became that girl, but Barney somehow knew exactly how to bring her out, even if he wasn't trying.

The truth was that she didn't want him to leave. She secretly loved it when he took her hand in his and looked into his eyes. "You have no idea how confused I am."

"I'm not confused." She said surely. "I know exactly what I want."

He looked down at the cut on her hand which was now wrapped in a bandage, thanks to Ted. "I heard what happened. Are you okay?"

She pulled her hand away. "Yeah, I'm fine. I just accidentally cut myself earlier. It's no big deal."

"Was it an accident?" He questioned.

"What are you even asking me? Of course it was an accident."

"I'm just saying that it wouldn't be that crazy to think that if you're maybe trying to… hurt yourself."

"Well I'm not." She snapped back. "I told you that I'm fine."

"I don't want anything to happen to you." Barney said, fighting back tears. He gently rubbed her arm, wanting to stay with Robin for the rest of the night and not let go of her, but knowing that it wasn't fair to her.

"I wish that we could control our feelings." Robin said, letting her head rest on his shoulder. "I wish that we could be with the person that we want to be with when we want to be with them.

"I wish that it was that simple." He said. "But what about Kevin? I mean, you want to be with him too, right?"

"Kevin is nothing more then the person that I've been using because I can't have you."

"I don't think he knows that. I think he really loves you."

"He does really love me." She said, realizing how awful she was being to him. "He told me that he did."

"Then maybe you should be with him. He's probably the nicest guy that you've ever been with. He's so much better for you then I ever was."

She knew that it was true, because Kevin would never make her feel this way, not that it was Barney's intention to hurt her. Kevin could never hurt her this bad, because she didn't love Kevin the way that she loved Barney.

"Maybe you should call him." Barney suggested, hanging her her phone off of her night stand.

"And say what?"

"Ask him to come be with you tonight. I think you need someone, and I don't think it's fair to you to have that someone to be me."

"Is that what you want?"

"I want what's best for you."

So Robin called Kevin. He wasn't one to ask many questions, he heard that she needed him, and that was all that Kevin needed to hear.

"Well he's coming." Robin said, trying to pretend like she was as happy as she should be.

"Good." Barney said. "So I guess that I better go."

She shrugged. "I guess so."

He leaned over and pecked her lips lightly. This short kiss was more passionate then anything she had ever done with Kevin. "I'll see you, later." He promised.

Robin walked Barney to the door, and noticed that Ted had cleaned her entire mess. She made another mental note to not murder Ted.

"Bye, Barney." She said, feeling much more stable then she did earlier that day, but deep down knowing that nothing had changed. She was just able to compose herself at this moment.

Kevin held her all night. That was all that he wanted to do, and that was all that she wanted him to do, because if she closed her eyes for long enough, she could pretend like it was Barney's arms that she was in.

Kevin didn't ask what was wrong or if she was going to be okay. He didn't ask why she had a bandage on her hand or why Ted gave her a hug the next morning. He was a man in love, and that meant that none of the little things mattered. Okay, maybe they were big things. The important thing was that he didn't care. He didn't want anything to ruin his relationship with Robin, even if that thing was the truth.

-xxx-

"So, I think that we should get new dresses for Barney's wedding." Lily told Robin the next morning. Kevin had left after breakfast, which Robin was grateful for. She didn't really want him to stay any longer then he had to. But now Lily was here, and she was talking about what they were going to wear to Barney's wedding. His wedding to Cassidy.

"I… I don't think that I'm going to go." Robin said weakly.

"Not going to go? Robin, you have to go."

"We all saw what happened at Ted's wedding to Stella. It's weird when ex's come to the wedding."

"No, Cassidy's not like Stella, she totally doesn't care, and I know that Barney would want you to be there."

"I just don't think that I want to go." She said with a shrug.

"It's not weird." Lily continued. "Besides, you'd bring Kevin. That would cancel out any weirdness that could possibly be present because it proves that you both moved on, right?"

"Lily, I'm not going."

"Why not?" She whined, wanting her best friend to dress up and get pretty with her for a day.

"Because, I don't want to watch Barney marry another woman." Robin said quietly.

"Oh my god… Robin, do you still love Barney?"

"What? No. Of course not. Why would you even think that? No way. No no no."

"When did you realize?" Lily asked, skipping the argument that would end in Robin admitting that she maybe did still have feelings for Barney. Lily already had all the confirmation she needed with her excessive denial. She was pretty good and reading people, and Robin made it fairly easy to be read.

"I don't know." Robin said, flopping on the couch, deciding that there was no use in arguing with Lily. She knew everything. "I guess I really realized after I heard him talking about another girl for the first time after our break up."

"How did I not realize this?" Lily asked. "I'm such a bad friend."

"No, it's not your fault. I did a really good job at hiding it."

"So, you're not going to go to Barney's wedding."

She nodded. "I think that it's for the best."

"I have a better idea!" Lily said, an evil smile forming on her face. It was usually the kind of smile that would worry Robin, but under the circumstance, she really had nothing to lose.

"Go on."

"What if… we made Cassidy think that maybe Barney had a little something going on with a certain ex-girlfriend."

"Oh, Lily. Breaking up a wedding? That's big even for you."

She smiled, proudly. "I think that I can handle it."

"Are you sure you want to do this?" Robin asked, knowing of course that Lily wasn't one to back down from a game plan.

They sealed the deal with a high-five and Robin felt hope for the first time since Barney had announced his engagement.


	5. Chapter 5

**A/N: Sorry, I've been experiencing serious writer's block. Thank you for not hating me and reading another chapter. I'm still thinking about where I want to go with this story, anyway, I hope that you guys enjoy!**

Everything was planted perfectly. It was some of Lily's finest work. She had hidden intimate objects of Robin throughout Barney's room, in places that would be easy to spot, but wouldn't seem like an obvious set up. Earrings weren't quiet good enough for this mission. This required the sexiest and sluttiest underwear that Robin owned. She sprayed her perfume on Barney's pillow. On the collar of a few select suits she made sure that there were lipstick smears. This was some of Lily's best work; she had to admit, as she surveyed the room, pleased with herself. She quickly left, and found a taxi to take her to the MacLaren's where the rest of the gang was.

She made a quick excuse about having to stop by her school. She hadn't even told Marshall the truth. There was no way she was going to do anything that could foil her evil plan.

Lily had never stopped a wedding before, but she didn't allow herself to feel guilty. If anything she was doing Cassidy and Barney a favor. Barney loved Robin, and Lily knew that he did. And why would Cassidy want a husband who's in love with his ex-girlfriend?

-xxx-

"Finally, Lily." Robin said, giving her a grin as she joined the gang at the bar. "It's about time that you got here. We were starting to think that you got lost."

"Oh no, I just had to stop by my school." Robin knew the plan, and that Lily was lying to everyone right now, including Marshall.

"Oh and how did that go?" Robin asked, taking a sip from her drinking, trying not to sound too emotionally invested in what was supposed to be Lily's emergency trip to work.

"It went wonderfully." She said, grinning wide enough to raise suspicion among the group.

"Uh, Lily. You're being weird." Marshall pointed out.

"Am I?" She asked, sitting down next to Marshall, trying to act casual. "I'm just being enthusiastic about my job. I'm an educator, you know Marshall, and my job is serious."

"I have to go to the bathroom." Robin announced quickly. "Lily, come with me?"

This surprisingly didn't seem suspicious to the others. Lily and Robin going to the bathroom together wasn't something out of the ordinary.

"Can you be cool?" Robin asked when they were in the security of the bathroom. She punched Lily's arm. "You're going to ruin this."

"Sorry." Lily said, rubbing her arm. "You punch like a man."

"I just don't want this to get screwed up. I want Cassidy gone for good."

"Oh, don't worry; she's as good as gone."

"So, everything went as planned?"

"Everything went perfect." She said.

The look on Robin's face said that she was back. All the sadness that was once in her eyes was replaced with hope, and Lily remembered why she did this.

"You're the best Lily." She said, hugging her. "I couldn't have done this without you."

"You guys can't screw this up again though. I didn't go through all of this for nothing."

"Do you think that he'll want to be with me? After Cassidy's gone?"

"I can't see why he would want to be with anyone else. He loves you."

Robin nodded, convincing herself that this was true. That breaking Barney and Cassidy up was in the best interest of everyone involved.

"Well we better get back out there." Lily said.

The five friends sat and talked over drinks about everything from Robin's old music career to the mole on Marshall's back, but slowly they all left, just like the night and Robin had showed Barney Sandcastles in the Sand. Of course there was more to that night.

Marshall and Lily complained about being tired, and Ted, after being rejected by the fifth girl that night, decided that it was in his best interest just to go to sleep. It wasn't as easy as he thought it would be to go home with a girl without his wingman.

Robin was alone with Barney again, and she had no idea what to say, or do. It all felt very awkward. She wanted to apologize for the way she had been acting the last couple of days and thank him for knowing what to do to calm her down.

"So, are you coming to the wedding?" Barney asked after a few minutes of awkward silence.

"I- no. I don't think so."

Barney didn't fight her on this like Lily had. He just nodded. "I understand." She didn't like that they were talking about his wedding. It almost made her feel bad. "You've just been… great."

She couldn't help but laugh at this. "You practically had to sedate me the other night."

"Everyone has bad days." He said with a shrug.

"Do you think that we could ever be friends again?"

"We're friends now." He said surely.

"You think?"

"Absolutely. And that's why it means so much to me. The way that you've supported me."

"Supported you?"

"I wouldn't blame you if you hated me. Maybe you even do, but through all of this wedding stuff, you haven't tried to hurt me, which is something amazing I think. If the roles were reversed, I'd probably try to do something crazy, but you've just let me be happy."

This tugged at Robin's heart. What was she doing? Barney, _her friend_, was happy, and she was trying to destroy them. She was never very good at learning her lesson the first time around.

"Well I better go." He sighed. "Cassidy's meeting me back at my apartment tonight." Robin's guilt turned to panic quickly.

"You're uh… going to your apartment?"

"Yeah."

"Um. Are you sure you don't want to go to her's? I hear it's bad luck to go to the groom's apartment so close to the wedding."

"Uh, whatever Robin. I'll see you later." He said, leaving, Robin's panic grew, and she found herself at Lily's door.

"We have a big problem." She said.

"What?" Lily asked, inviting her in. "Oh no, did something go wrong. Did you spill the plan to Barney? Robin, can't I trust you with anything?"

"We have to fix this."

"What are you talking about?"

"I can't do this Lily. This could be Barney's big chance at happiness. I can't be the one to ruin it."

"No, Robin, you are Barney's chance at happiness. Besides, the damage is done. No undos."

"There's no way that you can stop this?"

"Don't do this Robin. Just let this play out."

"He's going to hate me." She said, hiding her face in her hands. "What have we done? He's going to know what I did and he's going to hate me."

"He's not going to hate you." He said, placing her hand supportively on her friend's back.

"I have to go talk to him." She said, leaving without another word. She made her way to Barney's apartment faster than she ever remembered doing so. Even when they were secretly together that summer. _What a perfect summer_.

"Barney." She said at his front door. "Cassidy isn't here yet, is she?"

"No." He asked, narrowing his eyes. "Are you okay? Are you having another bad night?" He asked, putting his hands on her shoulders protectively.

"No, it's not that. I have to tell you something and I'm really scared to."

"Just tell me." he said in a comforting voice that just made Robin feel worse about the whole circumstance.

"Me and Lily, we did something really awful, and I'm so sorry."

"What did you do?" He asked. She could tell that he was nervous to hear her answer.

"I don't know exactly. It was mostly Lily. Well no it wasn't. I was just as in on it. Check your bedroom." She said, opening the door and inviting herself in. It had been a while since she was in that bedroom, but it was exactly the way that she remembered it.

"Robin, what are you doing? I don't think that Cassidy would be happy with this-"

Robin threw his pillows in the bathroom, hiding their smell. She found her underwear and put it in her purse, and continued to survey the room for anything else that could be incriminating. Barney watched in disbelief. "How did- what?"

"We were trying to stop your wedding?" Robin blurted out. "We wanted Cassidy to find all of these things and assume that we still had a thing. Then she would leave you and the wedding would be off."

"Why would you do that?" How did he not know that answer to that?

"Because I wanted you to be with me."

There was a moment when neither of them said a word; they just looked at each other. Then Barney's face turned from confused to angry.

"This is the most selfish thing that you've ever done." He said, raising his voice. "How could you do this?"

"I changed my mind though." She insisted. "I don't want to do this anymore. I want you to be happy. Even if that's with Cassidy."

"Too little." He said, still raising his voice. "It's not enough that you did it and now you feel bad about it. You still did it. I never thought that you would be capable of something like this."

"I'm sorry." She said genuinely.

"I guess I was wrong when I said that we were still friends." he said quietly.

She grabbed his hand. "Barney. Please." They looked at each other for a minute, neither saying a word. She didn't want to end what could be the last physical contact that she ever shared with Barney and he still couldn't decide if he wanted to rip her head off or her clothes.

Just then a third voice interrupted them. "What the hell is going on?" _Cassidy's home._


	6. Chapter 6

**A/N: I think I'm getting over my writer's block. I hope that you enjoy this new chapter and Fuzzy Conchiita, I added some Marshall I there for you. (:**

Robin was taken aback but Cassidy's intrusion. She let go of Barney's hand and took a step back. "Cassidy." Robin said slowly. "I was just leaving."

"I don't think so. Not until someone tells me why the hell this keeps happening?"

Robin narrowed her eyes, not sure what exactly Cassidy meant by _this._

"First he chases after you when you throw your little bitch fits." Cassidy continues, answering Robin's unvoiced question. "Goes to check on your when you have a bad day. He even calls your name in his sleep." Robin's starting to feel sorry for Cassidy for the first time since she's met her, even though her heart melted some when Cassidy admitted that Barney called for her at night. Barney however, went tense, obviously not wanting Cassidy to talk about this right now. "And now I walk in and you're in his bedroom, holding his hand. What the hell is going on with you two?"

"We're just good friends." Barney insisted. "We used to be in love, but things change, right Robin?" These words hit Robin hard, because Barney knew that she was still in love with him. Barney knew that being "just good friends" wasn't what Robin wanted from him, yet he still said it, because that's what he wanted. And what kind of friend would she be if she kept him from getting what he wanted?

So Robin nodded. "We've been friends for a really long time. We just want what's best for each other." She tried to tell herself that she was being sincere, that what was best for Barney was truly what she wanted, but the truth was she didn't know what was best for Barney anymore. She didn't even know what was best for her. All she knew was that Barney was begging her with his eyes to make this work for him.

"Barney." Cassidy said, her voice suddenly becoming quiet. "I don't know that you really want to marry me."

"What? Of course I want to marry you. You're awesome." Robin's blood boiled as she remembered all the times he'd told her she was awesome.

"Then, you can't be friends with Robin anymore. You guys have a past, and I'm not okay with it."

"What are you saying?" Barney asked panicked.

"You can't make him choose." Robin blurted out, because she knew that he would choose Cassidy. That was going to be his wife after all, and she was just an old friend. "He loves you." Robin assured her, trying to hold on to the last thing that she had: _Barney's friendship._

"I just don't like the dynamic between you two. It's weird and it makes me uncomfortable."

"Robin and I have the same friends though. If I can't see her then that means that one of us has to… leave the group."

Cassidy folded her arms. "Then I guess that's just a sacrifice that you'll have to make. You're getting a little old anyway, to be hanging out with those people every day in the same bar. I mean, you have to grow up eventually. It has to start some where."

"Cass, you don't understand. These people are my family. I can't just leave them."

"No, Barney. I'm your family now. And you have to make sacrifices for your family."

"Well, you were friends with them first." Robin offered softly. "So I guess that I should stop hanging out with you guys."

Barney shook his head. "No way. I know how much you need them, and besides you live with Ted. That's not fair to you."

"It's not fair to you either." She said, Cassidy being edged out of the conversation, like a pair of dirty socks being thrown under the bed before a good night's sleep. "They're your friends too Barney."

"I guess we could share them…" He suggested.

"They're never going to forgive me for this."

"They will." He assured her. "They're going to be mad at me. I'll make sure that they know that this isn't you're fault."

"So you're really doing this?" Robin asked her voice still soft. Barney wanted her to yell. Yelling meant she was angry, and anger would be so much easily to take than pain. He could handle making Robin mad, but hurting her, that killed him.

"I don't have a choice." He said hopelessly.

Robin sighed. "I guess not." She pushed past him, not saying goodbye. How could it be that easy for him to just walk out of her life like that? Not that she wasn't used it. Not that she blamed him. Just for once, she thought maybe he was someone that wouldn't walk out when things got tricky, even though technically she was the one who walked out. She never imagined in a million years that she would be crying in the back of a taxi cab because some stupid guy.

She was Robin fucking Scherbatsky. What was she doing? She hated herself for being so emotional when it came to Barney. It wasn't the kind of person that she was and she hated all the crying and hiding her feelings. She felt pathetic.

Ted. Damn Ted, why was he there, sitting on the couch the second she walked in the door. He looked at her and knew that something was wrong. It didn't take Barney's keen observation of a girl in distress to see that she was a mess.

"Rough night?" He asked casually, not wanting to upset her more than she already clearly was.

She sat next to him and sighed. "I'm sorry."

"Sorry?" He asked, wrinkling his forehead. "What do you have to be sorry for?"

"I ruined everything tonight."

"What are you talking about?"

"Barney's… he can't hang out with us anymore."

This caught Ted's attention. "What? Why?"

"Cassidy doesn't trust him with me, and I guess that that's my fault. I've become an awful person, haven't I Ted?"

"Not at all." He said sincerely. "You've become… human."

She smiled, thinking back to the time that Marshall had told her that she was a robot. She pretended like it didn't hurt, but damn it did. She didn't want to be that person that died alone with her career and a house full of dogs. She wanted to find the kind of love that he and Lily had, she truly did, and now that she had it, she just wanted it to disappear. She wanted to find some way to make it die the same way that she did when Barney looked at her, saying goodbye with his eyes, telling her that she was nothing to him anymore.

"I'm sorry that I've been a complete nutcase." Robin said, thinking back to the way that she had been acting lately. She was ashamed at the things that she had done. Had she actually tried to kill herself? Was she really that convinced that nothing would get better? She closed her eyes and told herself that it was scotch.

"Do you need a drink?" Ted asked as if he was reading her mind.

Robin shook her head. She wasn't going down that road again. "A drink would be the last thing that I need tonight."

"Do you need a friend?" She looked up at him and smiled.

"A friend would be nice."

-xxx-

Robin figured that she should be the one to tell Lily and Marshall about why their friend wasn't going to be around them anymore. That she had let her crazy feelings drive her to do crazy things, when she got to their apartment, however, Lily wasn't there. It was just Marshall.

"Where's uh, Lily." Robin asked. She loved Marshall, but she generally didn't spend quality time with him away from the rest of the group.

"Not home." He said rolling his eyes. "Lily's shopping."

"Can I come in?" She sighed. She came here to do something, and she was going to do it, with or without Lily.

Marshall let her in, and she stood awkwardly by the door, like she was going to turn around and run out at any moment. "So, I kind of have to talk to you." She finally said. "I did something, well Lily and I did something and-"

"I know that you guys broke up Cassidy and Barney." He said interrupting her, but she wished that he hadn't, "And I'll be honest, I knew that it was just a matter of time. I mean Cassidy's pretty cool, but you and Barney are meant to be together. You guys are just perfect for each other." Robin choked back tears. Why was Marshall always so sweet? Especially at the worst times.

"That's not exactly what happened." Robin said softly. "I couldn't go through with it. I didn't want to hurt Barney like that. So I told him and Cassidy never saw anything that Lily planted in his bedroom, but… she did see me and him talking and she got jealous. She got really jealous. Barney's not allowed to hang out with us if I'm there." She finally said. "Cassidy said that he can't and he agreed."

"That's bogus!" Marshall cried out. "That's so idiotic."

"I just want him to be happy." Robin said quietly, knowing even as she said it that it wasn't true.

"You think he's going to be happy without you in his life?"

"It was his choice, and he chose her. He wants to be with her. He really loves her… more than he's ever loved anyone."

Marshall slammed him fist on the table. "That's not true." He said, yelled. Not at Robin, not at Barney, not even at Cassidy, just the situation that was unfolding in front of him.

"I'm sorry," Robin repeated desperately. "I messed up. I know that."

"No you didn't." He said. "Barney messed up. Barney picked the wrong girl for the wrong reasons. I can't let him do this."

"He already made his choice."

"But he didn't choose right." Marshall whined. "I always thought in the end you two would get back together. You guys are the second best love story that I know, and I hate that it's ending like this."

Robin nodded. "I hate it too."


	7. Chapter 7

**A/N: You guys should know that today I sat down and planned out the rest of this fan fiction. Anyway, continue to read and review. I totally appreciate it. This story is going to get pretty angsty I warn you, but a little angst now then is good, eh?**

It turns out that agreeing to stop seeing Robin and actually stopping were two different things. He told himself that it would be the same as it was when he dumped other girls. That was something he was used to. He was fool if he actually believed that this would be easy though, and it wasn't.

Three times the day after he and Robin agreed to go their separate ways, he picked up his phone to call her before he remembered that Robin wasn't his friend anymore. He reminded himself that he had to do this for Cassidy. His fiancée. The woman he was going to marry.

Barney closed his eyes, telling himself to stop thinking about her. Think about anything that's not Robin. How hard was that? It turns out nearly everything reminded him of Robin. It was because they had been friends for so long is what he told himself. That was the reason why everything made him think of her.

He poured himself a drink. He needed one if he was going to get through today. It was like cigarettes, right? The first 24 hours is the hardest. Then he remembered that after 24 hours off cigarettes, he still wanted one more than anything.

He smoked a cigarette, and it turns out that you can't replace one addiction with another as easily as he thought. Was that what Robin was? His addiction? No. She was more than that. He closed his eyes, pretending like she didn't matter. Because she didn't. Because he loved Cassidy. Because he was going to marry Cassidy. Because she was just an ex girlfriend that eventually he had to part ways with.

He wanted what was best for her too, and it was best for Robin to be able to move on away from him. Really he was doing her a favor. For some reason he doubted that she saw it that way. The last thing that he ever wanted to do was hurt Robin, yet no matter what he did, he somehow managed to accomplish exactly that.

He picked up his phone to call Ted. Cassidy never said anything about calling Ted to check up on Robin. He just wanted to make sure that she was okay. She had been acting very different lately. With the whole, about to jump off the side of a building thing, and the getting more drunk then he'd ever seen her and breaking things. Confidence was something that Scherbatsky always wore well but she seemed to be lacking in that department lately. He wondered if that was all his fault and felt a sudden pang of guilt hit his gut. He was sure that being dubbed second best didn't make her feel better about herself. He put the phone back down. He wasn't going to call Ted. He knew that Ted would take care of her and she would be fine. He didn't have the right to check up on her like a concerned friend, because he wasn't a friend. He wasn't anything.

It was finally sinking in and it made him feel sick. The greatest family her had ever known was falling apart, and it had a lot to do with his actions. He couldn't help but notice a lot of things were falling apart because of him lately.

He needed another drink.

He told himself that he was only thinking about Robin because he was worried about her, like he no longer had the right to be. That was the only reason that he was thinking about how soft her skin was and how cute her face looked when she laughed at one of his jokes.

He picked up the phone to call Ted again. He dialed most of his number before cancelling the call and putting his phone back down. If he knew how Robin was doing then he would have to stop thinking about her. He decided that he would just keep thinking about her.

He wondered if he was going through her mind right now too. For some reason he thought he might be, and that thought comforted him. They had something in common right now, right this very second, they were thinking about each other. He smiled. Damn, he wished he could just call her.

-xxx-

"Robin, you haven't eaten anything all day." Ted called from outside her bedroom door. The truth was he was starting to get worried, so were Lily and Marshall. Ever since she and Barney stopped being friends she'd been a mess, worse than Ted had ever seen her, and he'd seen her through some lows.

"I'm not hungry." She mumbled. He knew that she was drunk. She had been drunk by two in the afternoon ever day this week.

He opened her bedroom door anyway. "Come on, Marshall and Lily want us to go to this new Mexican place with them." She was sitting on the floor, her back against her bed. She still looked like Robin, but something was different. Something other than the obvious weight loss and lack of every day maintenance.

"That sounds awful." She slurred, wrinkling her nose. "Do you want to go back to MacLaren's with me?" She asked. "I need another drink."

He shook his head. "I'm not going to MacLaren's and neither are you?"

Robin narrowed her eyes. "And why not?"

"Because I'm cutting you off." He said. "And I'm making you a ham sandwich, because you look like you've lost ten pound." She did. He could see bones in places that he'd never seen bones before. He cheeks looked hallow. Even her eyes looked different. Like it wasn't really Robin that was sitting the ground, drunk as hell at five in the evening.

"I don't want you to. I'm not hungry." She groaned, she stood up and met his gaze. "Let's go have some fun tonight. I could use some fun."

"Mexican restaurants are fun."

"So are bars." She argued.

"Damn it, Robin. What's gotten into you?"

"I'm a mess." She said with a shrug, not breaking eye contact. "Everything with Kevin, that's over, and he was probably the best thing for me. I knew that one day I would reach my breaking point. I guess that this is it. My rock bottom."

"Then the only place you have to go is up, come on, let's get you cleaned up and let's go get dinner."

She sighed. "How about you make me that sandwich and I stay right here." He agreed. Baby steps. She hadn't felt like eating the last few days. She hadn't felt like eating or sleeping, or putting on make up. The truth was there was little that she felt like doing besides spending some quality time with a nice bottle of the finest scotch. She ate the sandwich though. She mostly just didn't want to hear Ted bitch anymore.

He delivered her sandwich in record time, too. He probably thought that if he took too long she would change her mind. "Ted." She called, before he could leave her room. He turned around.

"Yeah?"

She patted the ground next to her, and he took a seat.

"I have a question, and you need to answer honestly."

He shrugged. "Okay."

"Do you think I'm pretty?" It was never something that she had asked before. Never anything she had had to ask before. She had always just known, and Ted's heart couldn't help but break at those vulnerable eyes. They were Robin's eyes, not the drunk stranger's that he had seen only minutes before. That's what scared him… that this was Robin, his friend Robin that was asking if he thought she was pretty.

He patted her arm. "I think you're beautiful." He said.

"Is it like a friendship beautiful, or a truly beautiful?" He smiled at her, thinking about the first time he ever saw her.

"The kind of beauty that you see across the room and your mouth just drops because you know that it's so rare and wonderful. You even say something crazy like 'I'm going to marry that woman.' and you might even do something completely stupid and tell them that you love them."

She genuinely laughed for the first time since she left Barney's apartment that night. "Thanks Ted." She said. And he thought that this was good. He thought all of this meant that she was getting over Barney. He put her to bed after she finished her sandwich. She needed a nice long nap to sleep this one off. He went to bed in a good mood, knowing that his friend was feeling better; maybe she would even sleep through the night.

He was awoken suddenly by the sound of profanity and a thud on the ground. He yawned, but knowing immediately that it was Robin, he got up to check on her anyway.

She was sitting on the living room. She looked up at him, and he saw tears staining her cheeks. She was always good at crying silently. It must have been something she mastered while being raised by that awful father of her's. She got up and walked away from him. She went to the kitchen, not because she was hungry, but because that's where Ted wasn't.

"Robin, are you okay?" He asked groggily. "How much have you had to drink?"

"None." She snapped. And he saw that she was telling the truth. She was completely sober.

"It's almost 3 in the morning," He said, checking the clock. "What are you doing?"

"Don't worry about it." She said, not looking at him. "Go back to bed; you have work in the morning."

"Let me take you to bed-"

"Stop!" She yelled. "Just stop acting like I'm some hopeless head case, okay?"

"Robin." He said, getting closer to her. "What's going on?"

"Just leave me that fuck alone." She said, pushing him away from her.

"Oh… Okay." He said. He'd had years of experience with Robin, and he had learned when were the times to fight her and when were the times to just leave her alone. "Let me know if you need anything."

"I don't need anything from you. Any of you." She decided that she was hungry after all. It wasn't food that she was hungry for, but for tonight food was going to have to do. She hadn't eaten a decent meal in days, so she rummaged though the cupboards and freezer, and eventually pulled out 2 turkey burgers, and a carton of ice cream.

A feast for a king. Or just someone nursing a broken heart.


	8. Chapter 8

**A/N: Sorry for the delay. I hope you like this chapter. I just want to thank you all again for all the reviews. I love them! I added a little Marshall/Robin in this chapter. What can I say? I can't resist. I had to proofread quickly, so as always. I apologize in advanced for any mistakes.**

Marshall had always found Robin beautiful. He would never tell her that of course, and he would never let Lily know, though he had a feeling that Lily knew. It was one of the few things that he never spoke about with his wife. Not that he was sexually attracted her. He just thought that she was beautiful, and really who could blame him? Her flaws were so minimal it was hard to see them, until recently. She had always been such a strong independent woman, and Marshall admired her for that. The woman that had taken over Robin's body recently, however, was the opposite of strong and independent. She was opposite of everything Robin and he thought that was the saddest thing in the fucking world. He watched his friend become weak and saw how sad and defeated she was. It was hard not to hate Barney, weather it was his fault or not for the way that she was hurting. He knew that she was more than this.

That was why he was concerned when he saw her losing weight. She was perfectly healthy before. She probably could have even afforded to gain a few pounds. Maybe it was because he had secretly admired the way that she looked for so many years that he noticed that dark circles were forming under her eyes from lack of sleep. She had lost the Robin glow that she had always had. The one that caused women to hate her men to swoon over her. Hell, he'd even seen a few women swoon over her. But that was gone now. She didn't have the confidence that she once had.

She took her seat next to Ted, across from Lily and Marshall. It was the same booth that they had sat at for years, yet it seemed like a completely different place without Barney, and not just for Robin. She had quit drinking, which Ted saw as a good thing, but sometimes he wondered if maybe a nice glass of scotch wasn't exactly what she needed.

"Want something?" Ted directed towards Robin before getting up to go to the bar. He knew what she'd say but he didn't want to be rude. And this was the first time in weeks that Robin agreed to come out with a gang, even if she hadn't said a word to any of them yet. She shook her head and looked down at her hands, trying to pretend like the people who loved her the most weren't surrounding her. It should make her feel better, but some how it didn't. She felt like she was letting them down, and the last thing she wanted was to lose another one of them.

"Robin, are you… okay?" Marshall asked. It was a silly question. He knew the answer. He couldn't help thinking that even without any make up and her hair in a lazy pony tail that she was still beautiful. It was more then just her physical appearance that he found beautiful. That part would really go without saying. It was everything else about her too. Not that he had any interest in her when it came to anything more than friendship. He loved Lily and Robin just wasn't his type. "You don't look like Robin." He said quietly.

She nodded knowing that it was true. She didn't feel like Robin, not that she was going to admit that. That would sound too corny. It sounded too corny even in her head.

"Marshall." Lily scolded. "The last thing that Robin needs is you telling her how awful she looks."

"I never said awful!" Marshall protests.

"I do look awful." Robin said, giving them a weak smile. "I know that."

"You don't." Marshall assured her, actually meaning it. She looked like a lot of things. Sad? Yes. Pathetic? Yes. Awful? It was Robin Scherbatsky. Was that even possible? "But you just don't look like Robin. We miss her."

Robin thought long about who Robin was. Surely the person sitting across the booth from them wasn't Robin. Robin would never get this worked up over a man, especially one like Barney Stinson. "I miss her too." She finally said. She wished that she could say she was working through her pain and it was making her a better person, but she knew that that would be a lie. She was still in the same place she was when she was standing on the edge of the roof.

Lily and Ted slipped out very quickly. Robin saw through their plan as soon as they left. They wanted Marshall to try and talk to her. Apparently they thought that he would be able to give her one of his long talks and she would snap out of whatever state she was in. She sighed, guessing it was worth a try. After all, she wanted the old Robin back just as much as they did.

"I miss you." He repeated. It wasn't in the urgent way that Lily and Ted said it. They said it because they wanted her to snap back to reality. Marshall said it because he truly meant it. "You deserve so much better than all of this. You deserve better than to be hurt. You're not second best. You should never settle for it. You should find someone who's willing to love you the way that you deserve."

She allowed herself a small laugh. "Not many guys are barking up this tree right now."

"That's because you let yourself go a little. Sorry, but you have." She shrugged, not about to argue the statement. "You know that when you walk through the door on an average Robin day you can't go ten seconds without getting hit on." It was true. They both knew that it was true. "Robin, you're an incredible person." He continued. "Any guy would be so lucky to have you, but maybe that guy just isn't Barney."

"Do you think it's something I did?" She asked quietly. "He said that he loves me, probably more than Cassidy, yet he's marrying her and not me. Why?"

"Because he's scared." Marshall said as though it were the most obvious thing in the world. "Barney's a coward, and he knows that he loves you. He loves you so much that it scares the shit out of him."

"Well it scares me too! He acts like he's the only one that has anything at stake here." Marshall saw the desperation and pain in his eyes, and he knew. Robin wasn't the one that he needed to get through to. He needed to get through to Barney. Robin was already in love and willing to try to be with him, something that they both wanted. Why should he discourage her when he could encourage Barney instead?

"I have to go." Marshall said, seeing what he needed to do. "Go home though, take a long shower and eat something." he stressed the part about her eating. She had never been too sad to eat in her life, yet that seemed to be all she was lately.

Marshall threw money on the table to pay for all of their drinks from the night, and hurried out of the bar, taking a cab to Barney's. He didn't go to Barney's very often. He certainly hadn't been there as many times as Robin had. It seemed strange almost, like this place was completely foreign to him.

He knocked on the apartment door, hoping that it was Barney and not Cassidy that answered. He sighed in relief when he saw his old friend on the other side of the door. The apartment seemed quiet and he hoped that that meant that Cassidy wasn't there. This wasn't going to be the kind of conversation that was for her ears.

"Marshall!" Barney said, his face lighting up. It had been so long since he had seen any of his friends. He was pretty restricted after the new rules that Cassidy had given him. Marshall thought of how horribly funny it was that Robin and Barney had both become two completely different people, and the only that had to be done to bring them back was for Barney to follow Robin's lead and stop lying about his feelings. "How are you? How's Lily? How's everything?"

"We're good." Marshall said, letting himself in.

"And Ted?" Barney asked, running his fingers through his hair, avoiding the one name that was on both of their minds.

"He's been kind of busy taking care of Robin." Marshall admitted.

"Is Robin okay?" Barney asked with genuine concern. He knew that he didn't have a right to be worried about her, but damn it, that didn't stop him from worrying.

"I don't think so." Marshall said with a shrug. "She really misses you."

"I miss her too." Barney admitted. "I miss all you guys." He couldn't just say that he missed Robin. That would be a signed confession of love.

"She's not even Robin anymore." Marshall said sadly. "I think that you should talk to her."

"I can't." Barney insisted. "I really want to, but if Cassidy ever found out-"

"Who cares about Cassidy?" Marshall said trying not to raise his voice. "Did you not hear me when I said that Robin really needs you?"

"I wish that I could be there for her. Really I do, but it's complicated."

"You love her." Marshall said. "That doesn't sound complicated at all."

"You've been with the same woman since you were in college, Marshall, you wouldn't understand."

"You can use whatever excuse you want, but I know that the reason you don't go after her is because you're scared."

"I am." Barney admitted trying not to raise his voice. "You see the way that Robin's acting. How hurt she is. Its better that she gets that out now, and then she can move on and be happy. When you say that I'm scared, you're right. I'm scared of hurting her more than I already have."

"Or you could spare her all of this and make her happy… the way only you can. Who says that you're going to hurt her?"

"As happy as I can make her I can hurt her ten times worse, and I just… I can't risk that. It's not fair… not to her." They both knew that it was true. Marshall wanted to keep arguing. Keep fighting for the happiness of his two best friends, but there was nothing left to say. He knew that nothing he could tell Barney would make him change his mind.

"I'm going to go." he said, trying not to sound defeated. "But I want you to know that you have to make a choice. We're going do whatever to make sure Robin gives up all hope of you and really moves on. You can't change your mind in two weeks and hurt her again. We're not going to let you hurt her again."

Barney nodded. He hated the thought of Robin moving on, because the truth was that he had yet to reach the point of sleeping through the night without waking up in a cold sweat, longing for her in ways that he knows he shouldn't. "Can you do me a favor?" Barney asked. "Robin's more fragile than any of you guys realize. There are things about her that you just don't know. Please, take care of her. Don't let her… do anything stupid."

"Stupid like what?"

"Just look after her."

"Stupid like what?" Marshall repeated. "Is there something else going on?"

"I can't really talk about it." Barney said. The last thing he wanted Marshall to know about what the day that he found her on the roof. He didn't want to relive that day himself. It wasn't one of his fondest memories of Robin.

"Barney. I have to know." Marshall said seriously. "What am I protecting her from?"

Barney gulped. "Herself.


	9. Chapter 9

"It's been good, without Robin, right?" Cassidy was the last person that Barney wanted to talk about Robin with, so he just shrugged, figuring it was better than the alternative of telling Cassidy that he had never been more miserable than he was without Robin. "I mean really you don't need her." Barney wished that she would just stop talking about her.

"It was nice to have friends." Barney admitting, trying not to sound too bitter, despite the fact that he was pretty fucking bitter.

"Well excuse me." She said, placing her hands on her hips. "I just don't find it appropriate for you to be spending all that time with a woman who's clearly still in love with you."

"It's complicated. Robin and I have a complicated relationship." If that wasn't the understatement of the century he didn't know what was.

"She was trying to get you back. That's not complicated al all, it's disgusting. I don't even know why you miss her. Lets be honest, Robin's a slut."

Barney's face went white. It wasn't like when Marshall called Robin a slut. Marshall was Robin's friend, and deep down they all knew he didn't really mean it. Cassidy was saying this to be mean. She was saying it to be the mean bitch that Barney was starting to see her for. "Robin is not a slut." he said quietly. "There's so much about her that you just don't get." He didn't care that Cassidy was the woman that he was going to marry and Robin wasn't even supposed to be his friend. He would never let anyone, especially Cassidy say anything bad about Robin. No matter what happened between him and Robin he would never be okay with anyone hurting her.

Cassidy shook her head. "I can't believe that you're defending her."

"You hate her, I understand that. But I'm never going to let you insult her."

"Why do you care if I insult her? That shouldn't make a difference to you. She's your ex-girlfriend. You shouldn't care about her so much." Her cheeks were turning red with anger.

"Are you really that insecure that you have to try and make all of our problems out to be Robin's fault?"

"All of our problems?" She raised her eyebrows. "I wasn't aware that we had so many."

"For starters you made me cut out the person-err-people that mean the most to me."

"Why are you so bitter about this?"

"Bitter? What do you expect me to be about all of this?"

"I don't know, maybe a little bit understanding? Maybe I didn't expect that we would have to get into a fight every time I said that Robin was a slut, because I'm sorry, do you not see that she's been manipulating you from the start? This is what she wants. She wants us to be arguing like this so close to the wedding." Barney shook his head.

"You're so wrong about her."

"And there you go, defending her again. Why? Why does she mean so much to you?"

"Because." Barney said through gritted teeth. "She was the love of my life."

-xxx-

He couldn't believe that he had said that Robin was the love of his life out loud, and he especially couldn't believe that he had said it to Cassidy. He didn't have time to see her reaction because he was gone before she could say anything back. He really had a way of messing things up. He messed Robin up pretty bad without even trying, and now he possibly put an end to his engagement.

He went to the one place that he could always think. The top of Ted and Robin's apartment. When he found Robin up there that night she was probably up there to think. That was the danger in thinking so close to a ledge. There was no guarantee that you wouldn't think up something crazy. He put his hand on the same spot that he put his life in Robin's hands. He would do it again. Would he do that for Cassidy? If it was her on the edge of the building would he be willing to give up everything if it meant that she was safe? Of course he wouldn't. Because Cassidy wasn't Robin and that's why he was with Cassidy, after all, because he wouldn't walk through fire for her, and he knew that he would for Robin. He also knew that it scared him to death.

He'd never been so in love with a woman. It was never anything that he wanted, but then she came into the picture with her scotch and soda laughing at jokes that made Lily's face turn deep red, and he loved her. He loved her so much that he would die for her, and it made him sick to his stomach. That's not the kind of relationship that he wanted. He didn't want a love that was to die for.

That's why he was with Cassidy.

"You're not going to jump, are you, because that means that I'll have to jump too, remember the deal? And these are new shoes." Robin's voice was the last thing he expected to hear behind him, yet the most beautiful thing he could imagine. He turned around, smiling.

"I hope that's not why you came up here."

She shook her head. "I didn't even hear you come through the apartment."

He shrugged. "You probably want your key back." The awkward tension in their voices broke her heart. She just wanted things to be back to normal again.

"That's okay." She said, giving him a weak smile. "You're still friends with Ted after all, and he's the one that gave you the key."

She moved over and stood next to him, her hands on the spot that she once stood, and it was like they were up there together. Part of her wished that they were, because at least they would be in it together.

"How's the wedding going?" she asked.

He didn't want to talk about the wedding with her. Of the all things he could find to talk to her about, the wedding was the last. "You look like you lost weight." he said, changing the subject. She had gained a lot of it back, but her clothes were still a little loose.

After everything that had happened, pulling herself together was the hardest process she's ever been through, but she was doing it. She was becoming more than just the woman that loved Barney. She was becoming Robin Scherbatsky again.

"You look like hell." She told him, secretly glad that she wasn't the only one taking this hard, but it was comforting to know that she wasn't the only one that had to deal with the sleepless nights.

He grinned smugly, "Have you ever tried to live without yourself?"

She smiled back, appreciating how familiar this all felt. It wasn't the recent familiar with all of the fighting and deciding what they meant to each other and who he loved more. It was the old familiar, like the way that they could sit in silence and still know exactly what the other was thinking. It was Barney and Robin's favorite place to be.

"This is so stupid." Barney said, shaking his head.

Robin's smile quickly disappeared. "You're… You're right. I should go."

"No." He said, probably more eagerly than he should have. "This right here isn't stupid, everything else is. This is right. This is the way it's supposed to be. We're supposed to be friends."

She smiled again, wishing that this conversation didn't excite her so much. "We should be friends." She said, nodding in agreement. "But… Cassidy."

"Cassidy doesn't have to know."

"Right. We'd be like… secret friends."

"Yeah." He said, his excitement rising. "We can meet secretly, and call each other secretly."

"Marshall, Lily and Ted probably don't have to know either." Robin could only imagine all the ways that they would try to talk her out of this, but the truth was she felt strong enough to do this. She knew that she was strong enough, and damn it, this was the only thing that she wanted.

"No, it would make things more complicated." He agreed, remembering his conversation with Marshall. He said that he couldn't change his mind once he made it, because they were going to make sure that Robin got over him. He knew he was being selfish. He knew that he should tell her that they both knew that a secret friendship was never going to end well, but she was standing there with that sparkle in her eye, and he never wanted to go another day without seeing her.

"I've missed you." She said, pulling him in for a hug. She noted that he smelled the same. It was one of the small things that she noticed. The way he smelled was one of the million things about him that she loved.

Her waist was smaller. He noticed this when he wrapped his arms around it. She was clearly not doing well without him. He pushed the fact that she was doing better than Marshall had described to the back of his mind, and told himself that he was doing this for her. He wasn't a selfish bastard that needed her. No. He was doing this because it was clearly what was best for Robin.

He knew that it wasn't what was best for Robin, but he still held her tighter, hoping that if he told himself enough times that her needs were what he was concerned with long enough he would eventually believe it, and maybe it would even become the truth.

He knew he was just kidding himself


	10. Chapter 10

**A/N: Love me while you can. ;) I wrote and proofread at 4 in the morning. Sorry, I was just so eager I couldn't wait until morning! This chapter is a big shaky, sorry, the next one will be better written.**

Robin looked like Robin. That was all that Ted could see. It was all that the whole group could see. Really, what else mattered? She talked like Robin and joked like Robin and laughed like Robin. She was back, and they all loved it. They didn't care why, because it didn't matter to them. Why should it? When someone you love is so far away, when they come back, you don't tend to ask the question: "Why?"

If they had asked that question, they probably wouldn't have liked the answer. Maybe they all knew this, and that was why they didn't ask. It was a good thing, she was happy and healthy and there was no reason to ruin that because seeing her happy had turned into something rare lately, and they didn't want to lose that.

"Oh my gosh, it's eight already? I have to go." Robin said frantically. They were at MacLaren's like they usually were, except it wasn't like they usually were because Barney wasn't there, and really it just wasn't the same without him.

"Why?" Ted joked. "Got a hot date?"

Robin laughed nervously. "'Something like that."

Marshall's mouth fell open. "Well Robin Scherbatsky. I'm proud of you. You managed to start a new relationship and move on from Barney. You're better without him anyway. Look how great you look."

She smiled, glad they didn't know the reason she looked so great now was because she had Barney again, and that was exactly who she was going to meet. On the roof that had become their own. It was a place that they could be together and alone. Ted almost never came up there, but they knew it was risky. They tried to plan their meetings at times when Ted was almost guaranteed not to interrupt them, but Barney had texted her and told her that he needed to see her tonight. She could have easily said no, and told him that they should wait for the morning when Ted would be gone at work, but the truth was a part of her, a big, obvious, vulnerable part of her, needed to see him too.

That's what scared her, that fact that she needed him. She hadn't needed any man in her life, and now here she was needing one of the only men in the entire city that she couldn't have.

"It's not a big deal." Robin said, not wanting them to get too excited for her. After all, this definitely wasn't a new beginning.

"It is a big deal." Ted insisted. "We're all really proud of you. When do we get to meet this guy?"

"Never." she said, quicker than she should have. "I mean, I don't really see it going that far."

"Why not?"

"I just don't see it lasting." She said, pretending like she wasn't talking about the little secret relationship that she had with Barney. Not relationship. Friendship. She needed to remember that small important detail.

"Well, just make sure you don't get hurt again." Ted said.

She scoffed. "I'm done with all of that nonsense." She said, knowing that it wasn't true. She knew how horribly fragile she was, and hated it. She knew that Barney was the one calling all of the shots here, and she hated that too. She didn't want to be dependant on someone. Especially someone that she didn't exactly trust with her heart.

She turned around and left her friends, hoping that when this all did fall apart she let them help her. She knew that it was a bad idea, but yet she was there when he called. Following him onto the roof, doing as he requested. She was in the palm of his hand right now, and it wasn't like her at all.

She went on the roof even though she knew that it was the last thing that she should do. "Hi Barney." She said, walking up behind him. "Sorry. I was at MacLaren's. I lost track of time."

He turned around and faced her. "I miss those days." He said with sad and longing smile.

"Why did you need me to come up here?" She asked, pretending like she had some sort of control right now. "It's risky, you know. Ted could come up here any minute, and then we'd be busted."

He shrugged. "We're not doing anything that bad. We're just talking."

She nodded in agreement. "We're still keeping secrets though."

They both knew it wasn't right. It was hanging over their heads whenever they were together.

He hugged, her, unable to keep his hands off her for another second. "I'm sorry." He said into her hair. And he truly meant it. He had never meant those words more.

The hug was inappropriately long for two people who were just friends. They both knew this, but neither one commented on it. When they pulled away, he saw how much she needed him. It was written all over her face. It was only there for a moment, but he saw it. "You look awesome." He said.

"Thanks." She smiled. "I actually gained like ten pounds."

"Good." He said. "No man likes a woman whose bones rattle when he's rattling her bones." It was gross. It was dirty. It was Barney.

She laughed. It was a genuine laugh, because she liked his dirty jokes and his dirty jokes were funny.

"I called you up here." he said, getting back to her previous question. "Because I really missed you. It's hard to see someone every day of your life and then just stop."

"Why don't you miss the rest of the gang?" She asked. She knew she was fishing. She knew that she knew the reason, but she deserved to hear it from him.

He shrugged. "Because the rest of the gang doesn't use shampoo that I dream about, like seriously, what's going on with your head? It smells amazing. The rest of the gang doesn't know what I'm thinking even when I'm not saying a word. Okay, well maybe that applies to Lily, but I swear she's a super human. The rest of the gang doesn't have that awesome smile that makes me go all Ted-like. The rest of the gang doesn't keep me up at night thinking about the way they smile, and laugh, and walk and… and… just everything you do, Robin, drives me insane, and I love it. I know I shouldn't, and I know I should try to stop this… thing that's happening, but I don't want to."

"That's a lot you're confessing." Robin said, avoiding his eyes. She wanted to make a joke to lighten the mood, but there wasn't one to be made. Not now.

"I know its wrong." he said, his tone serious. "I know that I'm being selfish by doing this to you, and I hate myself for it, but the thought of living without you is just- I can't."

"How long do with think that this will work for?" Robin asked, trying to hide the fact that she was terrified. "Do you think that we'll be able to sneak around like this forever?"

"I don't know what's going to happen tomorrow or a week from now, but all I know is that right now we're together like we used to be, and it feels normal. Doesn't it just feel right to you?"

"It feels like I'm lying to the people who are trying to help me, and I hate it, Barney."

"I hate it too." he said quickly. "I feel horrible making you lie to your friends… _our _friends, but what's the alternative?"

She didn't want to think about it. "I don't care." She said, having a sudden change of heart. "They don't need to know every detail of my personal life." She said confidently. "If I want to have a… friendship with you, than I can."

He smiled, wishing that he wasn't so in love with her, and that he didn't know how badly he was going to hurt her one day. "I'm glad that you feel that way, because I don't know what I would do if I wasn't able to keep our… friendship." He moved closer to her, knowing that he had no right to be this close to her.

He knew that he had no right to pull her in for another hug, but he needed her to be in his arms. "I'm crazy about you." He confessed.

No. He was in love with her. She was the one that was crazy. He was the one that could function without her. She turned into this empty shell of a woman without him.

He wished that he could hold her closer to him, because as close as possible just didn't seem close enough to him. He tightened his grip on her waist, fearing that if he didn't she would be gone.

She wasn't going anywhere.

"Robin." He pulled back just far enough so that he could look her in the eyes. He knew that he was being selfish. He knew that he was being awful. He knew that he should just let her go, but he couldn't. He did what he knew he shouldn't. He did what he knew would officially cross the line. He did what he knew could break her so easily.

He kissed her.


	11. Chapter 11

**A/N: Don't hate me too much. Thank you for all of your reviews, they're wonderful! Like I said, please don't hate me. There's got to be some ups and down or else the fiction would just be boring. (: P.S. Sorry, I know this chapter is kind of shaky. It was a hard one to write.**

Barney loved Robin. Barney was going to marry Cassidy. Those were the two things that he knew for sure.

"Hello." Said the wonderful voice on the other end of the phone he had held against his ear.

"Roof in the morning, after Ted leaves for work?" They didn't have to go to the roof when Ted was at work, but they wanted to. It had become their place. It held such wonderful and horrible memories.

"Yeah." She said, trying not to sound as eager as she felt.

He was going to hurt her so bad.

-xxx-

If a hug could be described as intimate, then that would be way that Robin greeted Barney. They hadn't spoken, except to arrange this meeting since their kiss two nights ago.

"Hey." He said as his hand landed instinctively on the small of her back.

"I missed you." She said smiling like a silly school girl with a crush.

"I missed you too." He said, wishing that he could change the past and the present and everything else that made him this awful person and friend. He hated seeing her vulnerability, because he knew that he had a lot to do with creating it, and he hated himself for using it to his advantage. "I think we should have a talk."

"Barney. No." He hated the look she had in her eye. It was not like Robin to be scared of anything that wasn't a marriage proposal.

"Robin, just listen to me."

"I know what you're going to say and you're wrong. The kiss was not a big deal. We can just forget that it never happened, okay?"

"That's just it, we can't. We're always going to have to be controlling ourselves around each other. This friendship, it was a bad idea."

"Stop." She said, grabbing his hand. "Please stop saying that." Of course she had to start crying, because that was the one thing that Barney couldn't handle.

"Stop crying." He said it as order rather than in the kind of comforting tone that would have soothed her. It only made her cry harder.

"I have to go." He said, turning away, because that's what he did. He created a mess of perfectly happy, independent women and then he walked away.

"You can't just go." She said. She didn't sound sad or hurt or in pain, she sounded mad.

"Why not? What do I owe you?"

"You owe me." She said angrily. "You owe me my fucking life. I want my life back, Barney."

"You're the one that's screwed up, Robin, okay, and you're pulling me into your sick little life again, and that's not where I need to be right now. You want your life back? Get it back yourself because I'm done with you. You're not my problem, okay?"

"Then why did you have to come back? I was starting to move on. Do you know how hard that was for me?"

"It's really not my problem, Robin." He repeated.

"How can you say that? How can you say that after all that we've been through that I'm not your problem?"

"Because you're not, okay? I'm getting married to the woman that I love, and you're just… you're just my ex-girlfriend that I made a couple mistakes with."

"Why are you being such a dick?" She had managed to get her tears under control. She didn't want to cry anymore. Now she wanted to yell.

"Because, Robin, I… I hate you."

"You hate me?"

He nodded. "Yeah, I really do."

She pretended like her heart didn't break in half, but the truth was that it did. Those words broke her.

She wished that she had something to throw at him, but she didn't so she just turned away. "Then go." She said, looking down at the city, remembering that infamous day. Jumping. Dying. They seemed like beautiful things as his words rung in her head. He hated her. Barney said that he hated her. He must have put the pieces together, because his anger quickly turned to concern.

"Why don't you come down too?"

"Why don't you not worry about it?" She snapped, turning back around. "I'm not your problem, so you don't have to worry about it."

"Why does everything have to be a fight with you, Robin?"

"I just want you to go." She said, closing her eyes. "I need you to go."

He knew that he should have stayed there with her. He knew how fragile she was, but he made himself not care about it. He told himself that he didn't care about her. He left her in a state that she had never been in. He left her alone with her crazy sober thoughts.

-xxx-

Robin had torn the medicine cabinet apart. Why was it so hard to find the proper medication that would cure that thing called "breathing?" Robin had lived with it for so many years, but now she just had to get rid of it. She couldn't blame Barney for hating her. Hell, she kind of hated herself after what she and Lily done to try and break up his marriage, but not he was saying it, and he said with such venom and anger, and she couldn't take him hating her, because his love for her, no matter how far away it was, was the reason that she was able to make it through the days.

Without that where would she be?

-xxx-

"Barney." Ted said, excitedly. "I didn't except to see you here. Where's Cassidy."

Barney shrugged. "I thought that you were at work."

"No. I had a teeth whitening appointment. What are you doing here? And why are you drinking at ten in the morning?"

"Because." Barney said, not looking up from his drink. "I need it."

"That's all you're going to give me?"

"How can someone love someone so… unlovable?"

"Cassidy?"

She scoffed. "I wish that she was the problem. It's Robin. Why is she so impossible?"

"You didn't talk to her, did you? Damn it Barney, she was a real mess after you guys stopped being friends. You have to just leave her alone."

"We did so much more than talk. We had secret meetings. All the time. Why do you think she was doing so much better? We were practically together again. Then we kissed and it just ruined everything, because we couldn't pretend anymore after that. We couldn't pretend like we didn't love each other."

"Barney, how could you do this to her?"

"Why is it all about her? I'm hurt too, and all you guys seem to care about is how Robin feels about it? Well if any of you care I feel awful, and I don't want to be without her, but I just can't be in that kind of a relationship."

"You mean one where you love and are loved?"

"You don't understand how much she loves me though, Ted. What if I do something stupid and mess up and hurt her and myself?"

"You're absolutely ridiculous if you think that you're not hurting her right now."

"Speaking of that… she's home alone."

Ted sighed. "Are you going to be okay?"

Barney nodded. "Yeah, make sure that she is too, and tell her that she's great. I know I should have told her, I just… couldn't. Maybe now she hates me we can put this all behind us."

"But you don't hate her?"

"Of course I don't hate her. Look at her, smell her. How could anyone hate her?"

"Smell her?"

"She smells like flowers, Ted!" He sighed, "But really, I'm worried about her. You should make sure she's okay."

Ted loved Robin, really he did, but it was like he was taking care of a small child. She could never be left alone, and he was always worried about what crazy, stupid things she would do next.

Nothing could have prepared him for what he saw when he opened the bathroom door. "Robin, are you in here?"

She was in there alright. There was an empty bottle of opened pills beside her and she looked like she was sleeping. She looked so peaceful that Ted almost didn't panic.

"Robin!" He said, falling down beside her.

All he could think was: this can't be happening.


	12. Chapter 12

**A/N: I know that last chapter was pretty intense. This one is better, but not much. I proofread late at night, so a just in case apology for any mistakes. Thanks for reading!**

Robin woke up in a panic. She wasn't sure where she was, but it smelled an awful lot like a hospital. She opened her eyes and it looked a lot like a hospital too.

"Owww." She moaned out loud. Her throat was killing her, and she couldn't remember what exactly had happened last night or why she was laying in a hospital bed.

"Robin, you're awake." Ted was in a chair on the other side of the room, and from the puffiness in his eyes and the grogginess in his voice he had been asleep, and possibly even crying.

"I… I did something stupid." She said, the events of that night were starting to become clear.

"They had to pump your stomach." He said softly. "They… they weren't sure if you were going to make it. Lily and Marshall went down to get some water from the vending machine, but we've been here all night. You scared us Robin."

"Where's Barney?" She asked. She knew that she shouldn't want him to be there, but damn it, she did.

"We thought that maybe it would be best if we didn't call him. We figured that we'd wait for you to wake up and tell us what you want."

"I don't want him to come." She said quietly, even though she knew that it was a lie. "Well actually I do, but I know that he shouldn't, so please don't ask him to come."

Ted rubbed her arm. "I think that that's for the best."

"What's wrong with me?" She said, burying her face in her hands. "What was I thinking?"

"I don't think you were." He said, there was an undeniable note of relief in his voice that what she experienced was just a moment of weakness. Granted, most of her moments lately were weak, but at least she saw that what she did was crazy.

Robin fell into Ted's arms. "I'm so sorry. I can't… I can't believe I did this to you. You… found me?"

He nodded. "Yeah, I found you, but I'm glad I did, because I can't even think about what would have happened if I didn't. So you don't ever need to apologize for that."

"Robin's awake!" Marshall said in his loud over dramatic Marshall way. Marshall and Lily were in the doorway of her hospital room carrying four bottles of water. He ran over to her, and hugged her, taking her away from Ted's embrace. "Oh Robin, we were so worried about you."

This made even Robin smile.

"Are you okay?" He asked.

"If by okay you mean am I going to try to kill myself again? I don't think so."

"What happened?" Lily asked in her sweetest kindergarten teacher voice. "Why did you do that?"

She shrugged. "It's complicated."

"Barney told me." Ted said. "He told me everything about you guys."

"You and Barney?" Marshall asked, pulling away. "Oh no, please don't tell me that you guys-"

"We kissed." Robin said. "We were friends before that, like we used to be. And it was the best thing that I could have ever imagined, only when it ended… that was the worst."

"I told him not to do that." Marshall said angrily. "I knew that something like this would happen, and I told him. I should go kick his ass, shouldn't I?"

Robin shook her head. "It's just as much my fault. I should have known that that thing with Barney was going to end badly."

"Are you going to be okay?" Lily asked seriously. She knew that Robin had already answered the question, but she wanted to hear her answer it again.

"Guys, come on. I did something stupid. I shouldn't have done it. But I'm not going to do it again."

"That's what you think now, but what happens when something else happens that brings you back to the same place?"

She looked down at her hands. "I guess that I just have to get all of that Barney out of my system."

"How are you going to do that?" Marshall asked curiously.

"I think that I have to leave guys." She said. She hated saying those words and the look on all of her friends faces as they tried to be strong for her, "I think I should just get a one way ticket to somewhere awesome and stay there until I'm not crazy anymore."

"If that's what you think is best." Lily forced herself to say.

-xxx-

After Robin's observation period was done, Ted picked her up from the hospital. She hadn't mentioned anything about leaving since she had woken up, but they all knew that it was coming. They pretended like it wasn't and that Robin was at work, instead of at the hospital, but soon they wouldn't be able to pretend anymore. Soon she was going to say goodbye to them, and they were going to have to let her go, because it was what she needed.

Ted had called Barney and let him know what had happened, but he also told him that he couldn't go near her.

"Wait, Robin did what?"

"After your fight, I found her in the bathroom. She took a lot of pills."

"She tried to kill herself? That's so… not Robin. She's okay?"

"You should have never done that." Ted said. "Everything that you did was selfish and wrong."

"I know." Barney said quietly. "I'm an idiot."

"She's leaving

"Leaving?"

"She's leaving town."

"Ted, you have to stop her."

"Barney, she needs it. And you need to let her have it. In fact, you need to leave her alone all together. For good this time."

"Ted. I don't want to leave her alone."

"Do you not understand what Robin almost did because you don't want to leave her alone?"

"She's okay, right?" Barney asked, repeating his earlier question.

"She's going to be fine, but that's not that point. Stay away from her."

Barney was going to say something back, but Ted hung up before he had the chance. There was nothing that Barney could say anyway.

-xxx-

"So." Ted said. "Where are you going to go?"

She shrugged. "I think I'll go to Paris. I already know the language, and I've always wanted to go there."

He smiled. "I hope that it's what you need. As much as we all want you to stay, we want you to get what you need more, and I hope that this is it."

"I hope so too." She said,

-xxx-

Robin had never good at saying goodbye, but she found herself saying goodbye to three of the people that meant the most to her.

"Take pictures." Lily said hugging her. "I'll come and visit you. We can go shopping and sightseeing. It'll be fun." She smiled because that really did sound fun.

Robin nodded in agreement. "I can't wait."

Then she found herself in Marshall's embrace. "I really don't want you to go." Marshall said into her hair.

"I don't want to go." She responded. "But I think that I have to."

"I know." he said. "That's why I'm not trying to stop you."

"I just have to get away from him."

"If you ever change your mind, I can always break some of his bones, just let me know."

She allowed herself to laugh. "As tempting as that is, I don't think that that will help any."

The last person she had to say goodbye to was Ted. The man who had gotten her through his entire experience and literally saved her life. How can you thank someone who's done all that for you?

"Ted, I don't even know what to say. I don't know how to thank you."

"The best way you can thank me is to come back here as the Robin that I know."

Robin knew that that should have been it. That should have been the end of her goodbyes, and she should have taken her flight and left, but there was one more person that she had to say goodbye too. She couldn't explain it to the others, but she knew that it was right.

"Robin." Of course it had to be Cassidy that answered the door. She was smiling though; she had that fake nice face on that Robin hated so much. Why was she being nice to her? She knew that she didn't want her to be here, around her precious Barney, because Robin was like poison, right?

"Cassidy." Robin said quietly. "I just have to talk to Barney. Only for a minute."

Before she could agree or protest, Barney appeared beside Cassidy. They looked like such a couple. Robin tried not to think about how beautiful their children would be. "Robin." Barney said soothingly. "Ted told me what happened." That explained why Cassidy was being so nice to her, she didn't want her to off herself in her front doorway.

"I… can I talk to you."

"I'll go take a shower." Cassidy said, making sure she kissed Barney's lips before walking away. Robin swore that she smiled an evil little grin at her for a split second before she went to take her shower.

"Robin." Barney said, pulling her into a hug. "I'm such an ass. I can't believe that I said those things to you. I was lying. I thought that if you thought I hated you if would be easier for you to hate me… and I thought that if you could hate me then it would just make everything easier for you, but I don't hate you. Not at all. I could never hate you, okay?"

She pulled away. "No, Barney, no hugs. And we don't have to talk about that. In fact, I don't _want _to talk about that I just wanted to say goodbye to you."

"I heard you're leaving." Barney said sadly. "I don't want you to go."

"It would be really selfish of you to ask me to stay."

"We can try our friendship again." He whispered. The water was already running, but he didn't want to take the chances of Cassidy over hearing this part. "I miss you. I want you back in my life."

This was all a sick game to him. It made her blood boil how little he seemed to care about what was best for her. "That's not fair to ask me to give all that up for you."

"I'm not going to say something stupid again. I'm not going to hurt you again. I hate myself for what I said and did. Really, I do."

"You can't ask me to stay." She said through gritted teeth, suddenly starting to think that maybe coming to see him was a bad idea.

"What if I asked you to stay? Would you for me?"

"You can't ask that of me." She repeated.

"Stay." He said anyway. "Please, I want you to stay. Stay for me."

She shook her head. "I have to go, Barney. I have to go for me."

She was half to her taxi when she realized that she wasn't even crying. She was under control. She wasn't the mess of a girl that Barney usually turned her into. And what was even more incredible was that he had practically begged her to stay and she still was about to get on that airplane. She was still going.

She learned something when she walked away from Barney. She learned that no matter how much she loves Barney, what's more important is learning to love herself.

That was the next step.

**A/N: I know this kind of sounds like an ending, but don't worry, we're not done yet**


	13. Chapter 13

**A/N: I special thank to my new spell checker lillimolly93! And of course to everyone reading and reviewing.**

Robin learned something new about herself every day. She learned that French guys think she's just as pretty as Americans and Canadians do. She learned that she can sit on a rooftop, and watch the sunset on her own, without any urge to jump. She learned that her favorite kinds of crepes are the ones with strawberries in them and that Paris was the most beautiful city in the world.

She learned that she didn't need Barney. She was completely alone in this city, and it was the best that she had felt in a long time. There was no one there to talk about the wedding, which she had conveniently made herself forget was going to take place in less than twenty-four hours.

She sighed, wondering what Barney was doing. She wondered if it would ever be possible to stop loving him. Probably not. The most she could hope for was sanity, and sanity was coming. Every day she woke up in this new city that had so much to offer her she smiled, and got a little bit closer to being the old Robin. The one who would never have to move to a different continent to get over a stupid guy.

She didn't want to be the person that couldn't handle heartbreak, even if it was Barney that was breaking her heart.

There was so much to live for in Paris. She couldn't even keep track of the number of times she had heard. "Mademoiselle, Tu as tres belle." She still had it that was for sure.

The important thing about all this was that she was beginning to see that she was going to be just fine. She could be perfectly happy alone, and Barney Stinson may be worth a lot of money, but he wasn't worth her life and he wasn't worth her sanity.

But he was still getting married, and that still hurt.

-xxx-

The first thing that Barney thought when he woke up was "I'm getting married today." He was getting married to someone that wasn't Robin. He honestly never thought that he would see the day. Marriage was something that he had worked his whole life to avoid, but he always thought that if he went down that horrible path it would be with Robin, and that made it seem not quite as bad. He wished that when the thought about how he was getting married, he could smile, or even be excited in the slightest, but the truth was that he was marrying someone that wasn't Robin.

The second thing he thought was "why is there someone ringing the doorbell repeatedly?"

He yawned. Looking at his alarm clock that told him it was only 7:00. His suit guy wasn't supposed to come for another two hours. He stretched and got out of bed anyway. It would be impossible to fall back sleep with the constant sound of that annoying doorbell anyway. "Coming" Barney groaned.

He was pretty shocked when he saw Lily on the other side of the door. She, Marshall, and Ted had basically cut him out of their lives after what happened between him and Robin, not that he could blame them.

"_Barney, I've lost all respect for you." Marshall said angrily. "You knew that Robin was unhappy. I told you how upset she was, and you didn't even care. How could you be so selfish?"_

"_I know." Barney whined. "It was stupid and ridiculous."_

"_You saw the place she was in better than any of us." Ted added. "And you still pursued some kind of sick relationship. What were you thinking?"_

"_I wasn't." He admitted, trying his best not to look them in the eye._

_He thought back to the time that Robin told him that dating friends never worked out. She was talking about Ted of course, but he should have taken what she said and really thought about it. Did he honestly think that he and Robin could ever work out? Did he really expect that it would end in anything but this?_

"_What if Ted hadn't found her?" Lily asked quietly._

"_I would never have forgiven myself."_

"_Then you understand why we can't forgive you."_

He resisted the urge he got to grab her and hug her.

"Lily." He said, unable to contain his smile. "What are you doing here?"

"Sorry it's so early." She offered. "I didn't know what time you were leaving for the… you know."

"No, it's fine. Come in."

She did. "I just wanted to talk to you about today. I know we haven't been on the best terms."

"I know." He said, seriously. "And I'm sorry about that."

"No need to apologize, I just wanted to come and tell you that we wish you well."

"You do?" The group hadn't exactly been supportive of his relationship with Cassidy lately, not that he blamed them after what their relationship did to Robin. Who was he kidding? After what _he_ did to Robin.

She nodded. "We may not agree with your decision, but we want you to be happy. And if Cassidy makes you happy then… I guess that we're happy too."

"Hey, you guys could still come today." Barney said hopefully.

Lily gave him a weak smile. "I don't think so."

"Yeah, I understand." He said, pretending like it didn't hurt.

"I just know what it's like to love someone so much that you want to be with them forever." She continued. "It's not easy to find. There are people that you want to be with now, and people that you probably want to be with for a long time, but to find someone that you're willing to promise forever to, that's so rare and incredible. Don't ever take it for granted."

"Take it for granted?" He asked, as if the thought had never crossed his mind.

"Never go a day without telling the person you love how you feel." Lily explained. "There's no such thing as telling someone that you love them too much. I tell Marshall every day. Don't just assume that they know." 

He nodded, wondering how many days it had been since he told Robin he loved her. Lily wasn't talking about Robin though, she was talking about Cassidy. Cassidy was the only person that Barney should be thinking about today.

"True love is the best thing you could ever find. Always remember that, and always remind her of that."

"Love is the best thing." He agreed, not holding back his smile. He wondered if Lily knew that he wasn't thinking about Cassidy anymore. When Lily said things like the best thing that he could find, and true love, Cassidy was the farthest thing from his mind.

It was pretty stupid that he was happiest when he was with Robin, yet he refused to let himself truly be happy, because he was afraid that something would go wrong. How could he not see that being away from Robin was the only thing that was wrong?

"Never let her forget how much you love her, and never let her go. It's going to be hard sometimes, but work through the hard stuff, and don't be afraid of getting hurt. I know you, and I know that you avoid emotional pain at all costs, but you have to stop that, because there's always a risk of getting hurt, but the love with those kinds of risk… they're the only ones worth fighting for."

"You're right." Barney said, enthusiastically. "I can't do this." He had been avoiding all emotion since the day that he first realized how he felt about Robin. First he did it with an endless line of bimbos and one night stands, and now he was doing it with Cassidy. Only it wasn't fair. It wasn't fair to him; it wasn't fair to Cassidy; and it certainly wasn't fair to Robin.

"Wait… what?" Lily asked. Not sure which part of her well thought out speech turned him against marriage.

"I can't marry Cassidy." He said, falling down in the couch and burying his face in his hands. "I don't love her, Lily. Not in the way that I love Robin."

Lily's face lit up. "Robin?"

"When you were talking about true love and how I should never let it go, all I could think about was that I let Robin go. But who am I kidding? I can't marry someone one else. I want Robin."

"Yes!" Lily agreed excitedly. "You and Robin!"

"I don't want to hurt her again." Barney said quietly. "Look at everything that I've already done… Everything that she's done because of me. How am I supposed to ask her to forgive me for that? Someone can't just move on from a broken heart. I just wish that I would have seen that before now." 

"You can try." Lily said, not liking the direction that the conversation was heading.

"I can't marry Cassidy." he said. "But I don't know if I have the right to ask Robin to forgive me." 

"Of course you do. If you tell her everything that you just told me then she would forgive you. You guys could be together. You _belong _together." 

"Would that be fair of me though? After everything that Robin's went through to try and forget about me, do I have a right to ask her be with me when I know what being with me has done to her?" 

"This is what she's always wanted." Lily knew that Marshall and Ted would probably not approve of this, but she was such a sucker for true love, and she really meant it when she said that Barney and Robin belonged together. She had been watching their love story play out for years, and she didn't want it to end tragically.

"Lily. I have to go get her." 

Lily nodded enthusiastically. "Yes, go get her." 

He took a deep breath. "I have to go to Paris.


	14. Chapter 14

**A/N: Thank you to lillimolly93 for all her help editing! And to everyone else who's reading and reviewing.**

As badly as Barney wanted to run to the nearest airport, he knew that there was something that he had to do first. As badly as he didn't want to, he knew that it was right.

That's how he found himself at Cassidy's parent's house. It was where she had spent the night. She was probably already up and getting ready for the big day. Oh boy, this wasn't going to be easy.

He was thankful that it was her that answered the door and not her mother or god forbid, her father. "Barney, what are you doing here?" She asked, tightening her robe. "You're not supposed to see me until the wedding." She smiled. "You couldn't go that long huh? Well I miss you too, but soon we'll have forever with each other." Barney couldn't help feeling guilty, but he knew that he was lying to Cassidy. He knew that marrying her would be the cruelest thing that he could do to her, because his heart would never really be in it.

"We have to talk." he said, seriously.

She must have heard the harshness in his voice, because her expression turned from playful to one of apprehension. "Can't it wait until later?"

He shook his head. "I'm sorry."

"Whatever it is, I'm sure that it's fine." She said, touching his arm. "I love you, Barney, so whatever it is, it can wait, okay?"

"Cassidy I can't."

"Can't wait?"

"Can't marry you."

"You're kidding." She said, her face blank of any expression. "I mean, you can't be serious. We're getting married today. It's what you want. That's why you asked me."

"I asked you because I was scared to go after the real thing."

"The real thing?" She asked as though it were the hardest concept to understand.

"You deserve better than some guy that could never get over his ex."

"You are over her." She whined. "You and Robin are done, remember?"

"I wish that I could tell you that was true." he thought back to everything that had happened the last couple of months and decided that Cassidy deserved to know the truth. "We slept together. That night that I went after her, then didn't come home until late. I told you that I just talked to her, because she was upset, but that's not that truth."

"Well I'm upset." She said, fighting back tears. "And that's definitely something that we're going to have to work through, but it doesn't change how much I love you."

"It meant something to me." he continued. "Sex with Robin… anything with Robin. It means something to me."

"That's why you stopped being friends with her." Cassidy said calmly. "You're not friends with her, so it's okay."

"I love her." Barney said, hoping that this would make Cassidy see.

"You _used to _love her." She corrected him.

"No. I've loved her for… years. It never stopped. Even being away from her just makes me love her more. And then I met you and you were nothing like her. There was no risk of getting hurt the way that I know Robin can hurt me. And you were fun, and pretty, and I liked being with you. I really did. But I don't think that I ever loved you. I don't think that I ever could."

"How can you say that?" She asked dramatically. "I know that you don't mean it."

"I'm so sorry." he said sincerely. "I hate that I had to bring you down. You deserve someone that's going to love you with all of their heart, but that person's not me. You deserve better than this."

"I don't care what I deserve." She said, grabbing his hand. "I want to be with you."

"I can't." he said. "One day you'll thank me."

She shook her head. "I'll never thank you for this. Barney, you are the most disgusting man I have ever met."

He wasn't about to argue with her. "I'm sorry." he repeated. "But trust me, one day, you'll look back on this moment, and you'll say that it was the best of your life." When did he turn into Ted?

"I tried so hard." she said, ignoring him. "I tried so hard to make you stop whatever it was that you felt for her. You didn't even try."

"I tried. I tried so hard. I tried right up until this morning, but I'm sick of lying to everyone. I'm sick of lying to myself. I'm sick of pretending like Robin's not the person that I want to be with for the rest of my life."

"Why didn't you tell me this from that start? It would have saved me a lot of trouble and you a lot of money."

"I was scared. Do you know how terrifying the real thing can be to someone who's always avoided it?"

Cassidy thought back to her high school boyfriend. She loved him with everything that she had, and when it didn't work out she was devastated. She thought about what she would do if he was standing in front of her. Would she still want to marry Barney? He was right. What she and Barney had wasn't the real thing. She cared about him. She liked to be around him. Maybe in a way, she even loved him, but not in the way that she loved her high school boyfriend, and not in the way that he loved Robin.

Of course she saw the way that he looked at her. That's why she tried so desperately to keep him away from her.

Cassidy wanted this though. She wanted a marriage and a happily ever after, and Barney seemed like the perfect guy to do all that with. "What about me?" She asked. "Don't I get a say in this?"

"You don't want to marry me." He said. "You don't want to marry someone who's in love with someone else."

"I mean, maybe one day you'll stop loving her and only love me, right? It's possible, isn't it?"

He shook his head. "I'm sorry, but I'm never going to stop loving Robin."

"I'll be here." She said quietly. "If whatever you have with Robin doesn't work out. I'll be here."

He shook his head. "Come on. Find someone else. Don't dwell on this, okay?"

"It's just not fair. I thought we were so good together."

"We were on paper, but we deserve more than to be happy on paper." He deserved more? Did he really deserve Robin? The thought occurred to him for moment, but them he remembered that he had a flight to catch. "I have to go." he said, apologetically. He didn't know if he deserved Robin, but he was going to spend the rest of his life trying to show her that he did.

-xxx-

Robin's favorite thing to do in Paris was to go for walks late at night. There was this café that she always stopped at. She would get a croissant and a cup of coffee and sit at the same table outside. The city was quieter at night, and she could actually think. She couldn't think that well in the hotel room. It was too stuffy. She always found that she could think better when there was a cool breeze. It must be the Canadian inside of her.

She was able to think about her friends, even Barney, and not hurt. She felt herself heal with every late night walk, and every time she saw a blonde man in a suit and wasn't reduced to tears.

"You look like you're thinking hard." said a French voice beside her.

"Isn't that why people do things alone?" She said, turning to see a pretty young girl cleaning the table next to her.

"I suppose." she said. "Maybe some people just like quiet."

She smiled. "That's because it's easier to think when it's quiet."

"Do you mind if I ask what?" She said, sitting at the chair next to her. Usually Robin would be annoyed by this, but this girl reminded her of someone that she knew. Someone that she had moved to another continent to try and find again.

Robin sighed. "Have you ever been in love?"

She shook her head. "I don't think that I ever want to be in love. It seems nice in the movies, but life's not really like it is in the movies, is it?"

"Not at all." She said. "I was just like you. I always said that I would never let my world revolve around a man, but here I am. Running away from the only person I ever really loved because I couldn't handle my emotions."

"You're probably better off without him." The girl said comfortingly.

"I was better off before him." She said. "I don't know that I am without him."

"No offense, but it kind of seems like he drove you crazy."

She nodded. "It's all kind of my fault though. I hate to say this, but I did this to myself."

"Maybe one day you'll be able to be together." The girl said hopefully.

"Don't fall in love." She told her, ignoring her suggestion of a reunion between her and Barney. "It seems like it's great, and you're going to be happy at first, but save yourself the trouble and the frequent flyer miles. Love your career and love your family, but never love someone so much that it hurts when they leave."

The girl nodded, but Robin could already see it. Four or five years from now she would meet a sweet talker in a suit and he would make her laugh and she would love him before she even knew what was happening.

Robin made her way back to the hotel. The walk back was never as nice as the walk there.

"A hundred dollars says that when you turn around I say 'Wow'" She knew that voice, that pick up line anywhere. It stopped her dead in her tracks. She had to be imagining it. There was no way that Barney Stinson was there behind her.

She took a deep breath and kept walking.

"Scherbatsky." The voice said again. It was undoubtedly Barney.

She turned around. "Why are you here, Barney?"

"You don't sound happy to see me."

"I came here to get away from you." She said flatly.

"Yeah, and I came to bring you home."

"Barney-"

"No, just let me talk." He interrupted. "I was supposed to marry Cassidy today, but I couldn't. Not when I'm still in love with you. I should have never let you go. You're the best thing that's ever happened to me, and to be honest, I don't think that I can ever love anyone like I love you. I was stupid. I still am, for hurting you, but I promise you that I will never hurt you again if you give me another chance."

She closed her eyes tight; when she opened them he was kneeling in front of her, holding out a ring. A diamond ring. "Will you marry me?"


	15. Chapter 15

**A/N: I know this chapter seems like the end, but don't worry, it's not. I'm trying to keep this going for as long as I can because I have no idea what to do for my next chapter fic, tbh, so if anyone has any suggestions, I'm totally open to then, PM me. (: As always, thank you everyone for reading and reviewing.**

"Barney, what are you doing?" She looked at the ring as though it were a time bomb. "Barney, what the hell are you doing?" It was the same kind of panic that Robin had felt when she thought Ted was proposing to her, but it was for completely different reasons.

He was starting to feel more vulnerable than he was comfortable. He figured this would be easy. He would ask her to marry him, she would say yes, and then they would go back to New York, but she was looking at him like she was going to punch him in the face any minute now, so he stood up, still holding onto the ring. "I want to marry you." he repeated. His voice was shy and scared. Everything that Barney wasn't.

"I had to move to get away from you." She said through gritted teeth. "And I'm finally starting to move on then you come here and-"

"I was wrong. I was stupid and wrong to think that I could ever live without you. You're… you're Robin."

"That's just it Barney, I'm not Robin anymore. That girl's gone, and I really want her back."

"I thought you were doing better." He said quietly.

"I am, but that doesn't mean that I should just give up on how far I've come and fall back into old patterns."

"I asked the wrong girl to marry me. It was stupid, but you know how powerful our connection is. It's terrifying."

"Except I wasn't scared. I didn't run from it. You're the one who couldn't handle it."

"I'm ready now." He pleaded with her. "I'm ready to give you what you deserve."

"Don't you think I deserve some time to figure out what it is that I want?"

"I thought you wanted me."

"I did."

He shook his head. "Can you answer the question?"

"You mean will I marry you? No, Barney. I can't. And I can't leave. Not even for you."

His heart fell to his knees. He thought about what it would be like to be with her forever, maybe even have children. He thought about going back to New York and marrying her. The one thing that he didn't think of was what to do if she said no.

She wished that he would stop looking at her. She couldn't handle those sad eyes. "I'm sorry." She offered quietly. And she really was sorry. She wished that she could do everything that he asked of her, because she wanted it too, but the whole situation scared her. She didn't want to go back to that dark place.

She finally made eye contact with him. "Barney, say something." She ordered.

"You said that I'm the one who was scared?" He shook his head. "You said I'm the one that ran away? Well what are you doing now?"

He turned to walk away, but she grabbed his arm. "Barney, I do love you." She said quickly and urgently. "Don't think that I don't."

"Do you think that matters?" He said, his eyes glued to the ground. "I love you more than anything, and it just… it doesn't matter." She let go, and he walked away from her. There was so much that she wanted to tell him. She wanted to run into his arms and tell him that she loved him and she forgave him for the games that he played. She wanted to pull him back and tell him to come to her hotel room. She wanted to do something to make him stop walking.

"It matters to me." She said loud enough for him hear.

He turned around. "This isn't your fault." he said, his eyes meeting hers. "I wish I could say that it was, but it's on me."

She shrugged. "I'm not blameless, Barney. I was there with you. We both did this."

"See ya Robin." He said, and this time she didn't stop him when he walked away, because it was what needed to happen. It was in that moment, that she let him walk away, and wasn't reduced to tears, or pills, or standing on the edge of a roof seconds away from jumping, she realized something. She was the old Robin. She was that woman that was in control of her feelings. She just sent Barney home after all this time of wanting nothing more than to be with him.

She started to smile as she walked back to the hotel, not because she had hurt Barney, but because she felt free for the first time since she fell in love with him.

-xxx-

They were in their usual booth at MacLaren's, and it was exactly like it was before, only it wasn't like it wasn't at all, because Robin wasn't there and Barney had lost all of his awesomeness.

"Look at the blonde at the bar." Ted said to Barney. "She looks stupid and flexible."

Barney shrugged. "She looks skanky and full of diseases."

"Isn't that your type?" Marshall asked. "No offense, but that looks like the kind of thing you usually take home."

He shrugged. "I don't think that I want a random skank tonight."

"Barney!" Lily said annoyed. "I know that you're heart is broken, but Robin is in Paris, these women aren't. Do something disgusting… Do something that Barney would do."

He looked over at the woman that they were talking about. She was pretty skanky and dumb looking. He should have been all over that. He hadn't had sex in almost a month. It was a personal record for him, but for some reason he wasn't really interested.

And that reason's name was Robin. He knew that his friends all missed her too, and he felt guilty, knowing that he's the one that drove her away from all of them. "I'm sorry." he said out loud. "I'm sorry that she's not here. She didn't leave you guys, she left me." he said, like a distressed father trying to explain to his children where their mother was.

"To be fair," Lily said, wishing that she hadn't said anything to make him think about Robin; although, they all knew he was thinking about her anyway. "I don't think she left any of us. I think she just wanted to be alone for a while. I guess we wouldn't be good friends if we didn't understand that."

"I don't know if we are friends anymore." Barney confessed. "After the way that it ended."

"You never did tell us." Ted said. "What happened in Pairs?"

There was no way that he was going to tell them about the diamond ring that was still in the top drawer of his dresser. There was no way that he was going to tell them that he poured his heart out to her and she walked away. Well technically, he walked away. Regardless, she had made it clear that there were no wedding bells in their immediate future.

He shrugged. "She didn't want to come back." That was the answer that he always gave when they asked him what happened in Paris.

-xxx-

She thought about this long and hard. It took a lot to decide that she was ready to come back home, but she missed New York so much, and after saying no to Barney, she knew that she was ready. Maybe she and Barney could even be friends.

Instead of calling the gang, she took a taxi to MacLaren's. It was a Friday night, where else would they all be? She knew that a lot had changed in the time that she was gone, but she knew that Friday nights at MacLaren's didn't.

After she walked through that door there was no going back. She knew she really wanted this though. She was ready. She was ready to see all of her friends again, even Barney. She was ready to get back to her old life.

She was wearing a sundress. She wondered if she had subconsciously done that on purpose, but she pushed that to the back of her mind.

She saw them from across the bar. They looked the same, except they looked different. It was like when Lily left for San Francisco. If one of the member of the group wasn't there, it just wasn't the same.

She took a deep breath and walked over to their booth. "Hey guys." She said awkwardly. The reactions were as she expected. Marshall, Lily, and Ted, attacked her with a group hug and a string of questions, and Barney just looked at her.

"Robin, I can't believe that you're back!"

"Why didn't you tell us you were coming home?"

"Did you bring me back an Eiffel Tower key chain?"

"Hi." She said, pulling away from her friends to look at Barney.

"Hi." He said quietly.

"Can I talk to you outside?"

Who was he to say no?

"I know that this is all very awkward for you." Robin said as they approached the top of the stairs outside. "And I know that we have a… a history." That was putting it lightly.

"I'm sorry I came to Paris." He offered. "I should have just let you do your own thing."

"I'm sorry too." She said enthusiastically. "I'm sorry that we didn't work out, but I think it may be better this way."

He nodded even though he couldn't think of any way that this could possibly be better than being with her.

"We can be… friends. If you want to."

He nodded. "I really want to be friends."

She smiled. "I miss talking to you."

"I miss smoking cigars with you."

"I may or may not have brought back a special souvenir for you." she pulled two cigars out of her pocket. "I know that France isn't exactly known for their smoke products, but I've tried them, and they're not that bad. They're not Cubans, of course, but they're not bad."

They knew that it wasn't like it was before, but it wasn't like it was an hour ago, so they were both okay with it, because the truth was that they both loved each other with all their hearts, but they were pretty good at pretending. They pretended like they didn't love each other when they were together that summer. They pretended like they didn't miss each other when they broke up. She pretended like she was in love with someone else. He pretended like he was in love with someone else. Now they would pretend like they were friends, because it was better than pretending like they were nothing


	16. Chapter 16

**A/N: Thank you for reading and reviewing, as always. I'd also like to say that I enjoy writing long drawn out stories, and I plan to write a few more chapters after this one. I thought that Robin should be fully okay again without help from Barney, before they got back together. I also enjoy writing, reading, and watching the back and forth between these two. It always makes it more sweet when/if they end up together. I thank you for your "constructive" criticism, but this is **_**my **_**story, and I will make it as long as I want it, if you don't like it then I suggest you read a one shot or a fiction with fewer chapters. (This was not meant to sound mean at all, but I just had to get that off my chest.) I also want to say sorry for taking so long to update. I was out of the country.**

Robin knew that it was weird as she sat next to Barney in their booth. She knew that it was weird for both of them as they pretended like nothing had happened in Paris, but they forced the smiles anyway.

Over time Robin didn't look away every time Barney discussed his latest conquest. Barney didn't leave every time Lily would bring up a cute guy at the bar. Over time they stopped pretending and actually became friends.

"Hey, what are you doing this weekend?" Barney asked her.

She raised an eyebrow, "I… didn't have any plans."

"There's a new cigar bar opening." He said cautiously. "And you know how lame Ted is when it comes to awesome things like cigars."

Robin smiled and nodded. "I'm in."

"So," Barney said, after they both were a few scotches deep and were enjoying some of the best cigars they'd ever dreamed of. "What changed in Paris?"

She shrugged. "I guess some people need some time in a straight jacket to get their mind straight I just needed some time away from everything."

He nodded.

"How did Cassidy take it? When you told her that you couldn't marry her?"

"We don't have to talk about this." He said quickly.

"No." She assured him. "I want to talk about it." He thought he saw some sort of evil glimmer in her eye at the idea of discussing Cassidy's pain. Who was he to deny her?

"Well she wasn't very happy." He said. "Especially when she found out that the reason I wasn't marrying her was… well, you." Robin's smile widened. "You're enjoying this." Barney observed.

"Cassidy wasn't my favorite person, to be honest. I'm sure if we met under any other circumstances I would like her, but yeah, I hated the bitch."

"Her voice was really annoying." Barney added

"And her hair was so obviously bleached."

"And her skin wasn't the best."

"She also had weird lips."

"Thanks for coming tonight." He said, putting what had to be a ridiculous amount of money on the table. "I'll walk you home."

Her eyes widened. "Barney, that's a long walk."

He shrugged. "I don't have anywhere else to be tonight.

She shrugged. Sure, walking her home after an evening that he paid for was something that a boyfriend would do, but the truth was that it felt normal.

"So what did you do while I was gone?" Robin asked, breaking an awkward silence.

"Miss you." He said. His voice was light and humorous, but they both knew how serious he was. "We all did." He said quickly. "I felt kind of guilty… being the reason why you left."

She smiled at him. "The night is still young you know."

He looked at his watch. "It's 1:00 on a Tuesday."

"Well lucky for you I know exactly what to do at 1:00 on a Tuesday." She said, pulling him in the opposite direction.

-xxx-

"You're right." Barney said, setting down his xbox controller. "Call of Duty is so much better than sleep."

She took another swig from her beer. "There's no much thing as the end of the night."

"That's beer number what, five now? Plus the scotch you had earlier. Robin, you are shit faced drunk, aren't you?"

"Close." She said, finishing the bottle in her hands. "Really close."

"Maybe you should slow down." he suggested. Robin had a tendency of doing crazy things when she was drunk, and he would be lying of he said that drunk Robin didn't make him a little nervous.

"I'm not going to jump off a building." She promised. "I should go get another. Do you want one?"

He didn't have time to answer because the second she stood up she fell back down. He caught her just before she hit the ground.

"Wow. I guess I am shit faced drunk." She said, thanking Barney for catching her.

He kept his hand protectively on her waist, and guided her to the kitchen. "Maybe some water would be a better choice." He suggested

She shrugged. "I'm not thirsty actually." She said with a yawn

"Do you want me to call you a cab?" He asked. "You look exhausted."

"I don't want to go home. Ted's going to be annoying if I come home this drunk. He's going to get all worried and probably install a security camera over my bed.

"Oh, there's already one there." Barney said with a wink.

"Maybe I could just stay here tonight."

They were crossing into that dangerous territory. The place where they wanted so badly to be friends, but wanted even more badly to rip each other's clothes off. "Uh… I mean… if you want to… It's up to you."

"I want to." she assured him, yawning again.

-xxx-

She crawled into bed wearing one of the few pairs of sweatpants that Barney owned and a T-Shirt that looked like it had never been worn. They were in that territory again. The place where what they were to each other started to get blurred.

"I'm going to go to bed too." He said quietly placing a bucket beside her in case she got sick at some point in the night. "I'll be on the couch."

"Well now you're just being silly, Barney. Your bed is big enough to hold an army. I think that there's room for both of us."

"I don't want to make you uncomfortable."

She rolled her eyes. "Shut up and get it."

He did as he was told, stripping down to his boxers, and crawling in next to her. There was so much that he wanted to do with Robin next to him. He wanted to grab her and kiss her. All of the things that he had only dreamed about lately. He knew that there was a chance she wouldn't remember what happened when she woke up, and she had had a good amount to drink. She would probably not protest if he made a move on her right now.

As badly as he wanted to grab her and touch her and feel her, when he saw her, laying there, half asleep. He saw how innocent she looked, and he knew that if he and Robin were ever together again he didn't want it like this.

Instead he reached out and ran his fingers through her hair. It was an act that he would have never thought of doing with most women. Sleep with them? He would in a heartbeat, but for some reason touching her hair seemed too intimate

"Good night Barney." She mumbled, inching closer to him.

"Good night Robin." He said, wishing that her lips weren't so tempting.

They knew that the lines were being crossed and that the next morning would probably be a little awkward for both of them, but they were both so content that neither one seemed to care


	17. Chapter 17

Waking up in someone else's bed wasn't something that Robin had never experienced, but she could tell by the rare Italian sheets that she was definitely in Barney's. They were the same sheets when they were together, only a different color.

The second thing that she noticed was the pain in her head as the pieces of last night began to come together.

She groaned. "Barney?"

He stretched and sat up. "I bet you feel like a ray of sunshine."

"Shut up." She mumbled, hiding her face in the pillow.

He gently rubbed her back. He knew that this was crossing the line. "Hey." He said quietly. "I'm going to get you some dry toast and aspirin."

Her heart sank a little when his hand left her back, but he returned quickly. She sat up and took the aspirin immediately then laid back down.

"I made you breakfast!"

She rolled her eyes. "Barney, you put bread in a toaster."

"Regardless, do you know how rare it is that I make someone breakfast?"

She sighed, then sat back up and took a bite. "Happy?" She said, with a full mouth.

"So I was thinking…" Barney said, getting back on his side of the bed. It was the same sides that they slept on when they were together. Just another reminder.

Robin took a bite and looked at him, waiting for him to continue.

"Maybe we shouldn't tell anyone about this?"

"You mean about last night?" She asked confused.

"Yeah…"

"We didn't do anything. I mean we got drunk and passed out-" 

"You got drunk and passed out." He corrected her.

"But it's not like we banged."

"Yeah, but the thing is… they were really mad at me for what happened before Paris. Especially Marshall, and his hands are big and mean and he'll hit me with them."

Before she could give him a reply, her phone rang on the table next to her.

"It's Lily."

"Don't tell her where you are." Barney whispered.

"Hey Lil, what's up?"

"Are you crazy, where have you been? Marshall and I were so worried." She tried not to be annoyed when Marshall and Lily pretended they were her parents. They were the closest things she had to parents, after all.

"Sorry. I was hanging out with… this guy."

Suddenly Lily stopped being her mother and started being her best friend again. "Ooo. You dirty slut, tell me everything."

"No, it was nothing like that."

"Oh, whatever." Lily said. "Come on, I'm stuck with one man for the rest of my life, _sorry baby, _you have to give me the details."

"Nothing happened, but I have to go. I'll see you at MacLaren's tonight." She hung up.

"Thanks for saving my beautiful face." Barney said, caressing his cheek.

"I have a feeling that this isn't just going to go away."

"It's funny." Barney said. "This is exactly what we were like over that one summer. Making up crazy lies and hiding things from our friends."

"And that turned out good." She pointed out. "Right?"

"Yeah, I mean eventually we… broke up… but it was good for a while, right?"

"Yeah." She said quietly. "Anyway, that aspirin really did the trick, so I'm going to go home. I'll see you tonight."

It was exactly like that summer, and that was thrilling and it was also terrifying. 

-xxx-

"You have to tell me." Lily groaned for the tenth time that night.

"Lily, there's nothing to tell."

"I could tell by your voice. You had just had sex voice."

"No." Robin corrected her. "I have just woke up with an awful hang over voice."

"Why don't you want to tell me? Is it someone that we know? Is it someone gross? Was it that weird guy homeless guy that yells at us for wearing pants?"

"No, Lily, just stop guessing. You'll never get it."

"So you admit that there's something to get?"

"No err"

"Are we still trying to figure out who Robin's getting it from?" Marshall asked, taking his seat next to Lily.

"Yeah, and I've to narrowed down to the bag boy at the grocery store and your brother."

Marshall snickered. "Uh, my family has standards Lil, get real."

"No." Robin said loudly. "I didn't sleep with anyone and you guys should just drop it. And what the hell Marshall."

"My brother could never be with someone that doesn't believe in Nessy." He said matter of factly.

"Well Barney's coming." Robin said relieved. "And I think the last thing he wants to hear us talk about is this."

"Hey." Barney said, sitting next to Robin. "Lily, why are you hiccupping?"

"I'll be fine." She said, frazzled. Keeping secrets was never something that she was good at. Little did she know it was Barney who was keeping secrets from her, and he liked it. He liked how it felt like last summer again, only this time he didn't get to watch as Lily interrogated Robin, guessing every guy in the history of the world. Every guy except Barney. He knew that that was what he interrupted. He knew that look on Lily's face anywhere. He would sometimes even join in with Lily and ask Robin questions about this mystery guy like "for how many endless hours does he pleasure you?" and "how irresistible do you find him?" He knew that it was different this time though, for starters, he wasn't sleeping with Robin.

He kind of missed those days. It was so simple. They were together, they were having fun… but mostly they were together. Then everyone kept pressuring them to put labels on everything and that was the beginning of the end of them.

"Robin, you just look radiant." Robin glared at him, knowing he was just adding fuel to the fire. "Are you using a new moisturizer? Your skin is just glowing."

Lily made a small squeaking noise that everyone ignored.

Barney looked at his watch. "I think that new cigar bar is opened." He said to Robin.

"What new cigar bar?" Lily asked quickly.

"There's this place that we found." Barney said. "It's so much better than the one we used to go to. So, anyways, Robin, are you in?"

She finished her drink. "Lets go."

"Wait." Lily said loudly. "You guys are… going to cigar bars together?"

"Is that kind of, you know, awkward?" Marshall added.

"Well it was at first." Robin admitted. "But we just want things to get back to the way that they were. You know, when we all were friends, and what better place to rekindle a friendship then in a smoke filled room with a belly full of scotch?"

Barney smiled at her, and for a second they all saw it. The love and passion and desire that he tried so hard to hide deep within himself.

"I'll see you guys tomorrow." Robin said. "Tell Ted not to wait up."

"That's weird." Marshall said as soon as they were out of earshot. "They don't talk to each other for months and now they're trying to be best friends again."

Lily shook her head. "You don't think there's anything going on there, do you? I mean, Barney wouldn't do that, right? Robin wouldn't do that… right?"

Marshall shook his head. "I don't know. I mean, what if you were Robin?"

"Ew. I'd be with someone that wasn't Barney."

Marshall sighed. "But Barney's not Barney to Robin. He's her partner in crime. They have a connection. You know, like ours."

"Them being together would be a big mistake." Lily said firmly.

"Would it?" Marshall asked. "I mean, they really are kind of meant for each other. They're kind of equally insane, and that wasn't good you know… before, but maybe it's not so bad if they both have control of their insanity. I mean, did you see the way that Barney looked at her?"

"And the way she lit up when he came into the room?" Lily said, a small smile on her face.

"And the way he didn't look at a single one of those woman at the bar."

"His eyes went straight for Robin." Lily said, finishing his thought.

"Do you think that they know? Marshall asked. "That no matter what they do or how hard they try to be just friends, they're going to end up finding their way back to each other?"

"You really think they will?" Lily asked, finding herself hopeful for a relationship that she never saw herself supporting again.

Marshall smiled. "yeah, I do."

And Barney and Robin didn't know in that moment how perfect they were for each other, because they had spent so long telling themselves to move on. He ignored the chills he got when she accidentally brushed his hand against her's. She ignored the way her stomach did somersaults every time he put his hand on the small of her back and lead her into a room. Pretending to be friends was harder than it looked when every second something happened that made them fall even more in love with each other.

Robin looked at Barney and she knew that they were just kidding themselves. She made a private decision in that moment that she was going to spend the rest of her life with Barney and her little mind started turning as it tried to figure out her next move


	18. Chapter 18

Robin generally wasn't a fan of drinking alone, but for some reason that was the only thing she wanted to do. Maybe it was because it was drink at home alone or sit at home alone.

So she had one shot, and then another, and then another, until she was so intoxicated that she had lost all sense of reality. Well, almost all sense of reality. She still knew one thing. She was sure that she was supposed to be with Barney. Not tomorrow, not next week. Right now.

She was enjoying the complete loss of all things real right now. It wasn't like when she was depressed and drank to numb the pain. The only similarity was then and now all she could think about was Barney.

She was going to call him, but she decided that she would call a taxi instead. The things she was about to say were things that should be said in person.

Barney would usually be delighted if a drunken woman showed up at this time of night, but with Robin, it wasn't about taking advantage of her.

"Hey." She said, with a devilish grin. Oh goodness. This was his biggest fear. Saying no to Robin, to anything she wanted, was hard. It was near impossible and he saw what she wanted in her eyes, but he also saw how drunk she was, and he knew what was right and what was wrong. He knew how much he hurt Robin, and he knew that he never wanted to do that again.

"Hey, it's late." He said quietly, trying not to look at her.

"I know." She said, pushing past him and sitting on his couch. "What's a girl got to do to get a scotch around here?"

"It looks to me like you've had a few already."

She giggled. "Not even. Ted bought this new vodka and it tastes like its cake, but really its vodka. Ted is such a girl. Anyway, now I want scotch."

"I think… that would be a bad idea. And you being here is probably a bad idea too. Maybe I should call you a cab."

"No." She wined. "I just want to stay here. I don't want to just sit alone in my apartment all night. I'm bored."

"Well I mean maybe you should go to Lil-"

"No." She demanded. "I'm staying here." She stood up and made her way to his mini bar. "You need to restock." She complained.

"And you need to go to sleep." Barney said, pulling her away from the bottle of scotch that she had her eye on. "You don't need more alcohol. You need to go to sleep. Right to sleep. And I don't think that it should be here."

"Barney." She said, sitting back on his couch, ignoring his obvious attempts at kicking her out. "Do you know when I realized that I loved you?"

He closed his eyes. "You're drunk. Robin. I don't think now is a good time to have this talk."

"Now is the perfect time though. It's the only time I'll ever be emotional enough to tell you, and I want you to know."

"I don't think this is a good idea."

"I realized I love you when Simon broke up with me… the second time. I mean, I always knew that I loved you the way I love Lily and Marshall, but that night was when I realized I love you more than that. More than I loved Ted. More than I loved Simon. More than I ever loved anyone. It was before I even kissed you, because you saw right through me." She looked down, scared to meet his eye. She hated this feeling. She hated that she loved him so much, but she knew she'd never change the way that things went. She wouldn't take back the time and memories that they shared.

"I… wow." He said quietly. "Do you want to know what it was for me?"

She looked up, grateful that he was okay with her telling him something so intimate about them. She nodded.

"It was when I was hit by the bus. You know how Ted kept talking about how you don't see everything; you just see the things that you love? I saw you… well, I saw boobs, suits, and scotch too, of course, but I also saw you."

"We're great together." She said, encouragingly. "We're great… in bed together."

"Robin, I just can't."

"Why?" She asked. "Are you… not attracted to me?"

"You know it's not that." He said with a huff.

"Well then what? Tell me." She got up and took his hands in hers. "Barney, this won't be a mistake. We won't regret it."

"The first time, the night Simon broke up with you. That was a mistake."

She shook her head. "Please don't say that."

"Look at all you've been through. You had to rebuild your life because of me." He pulled his hands away from her and went to the kitchen to pour himself a drink. He couldn't help himself. Her pleas were driving him crazy. Maybe if this happened, and he was drunk too, he wouldn't have to hate himself so much. He could blame it on the alcohol and not on himself.

"Hey!" She said, following him into the kitchen. He could see that she was starting to get annoyed. "I'm not some fragile little… flower thing, okay? I can take care of myself. I came here because I wanted to." She began to raise her voice. "And don't think just because you're-"

"Robin, I have neighbors." He said, rubbing his forehead.

She knocked his drink out of his hand and grabbed each side of his face. The glass shattered on the floor, but neither or them seemed to notice. "You're stupid if you think I'm going to leave without a fight."

Her smell, her eyes, her lips. Everything about her was intoxicating him more than the scotch that was now in a puddle on the ground. Fighting it was stupid. He knew that. She was here, begging him to give her something that he wanted more than anything. Why should he say no?

So he kissed her. He kissed her and he took her in his arms and ran his hands up and down her back. He carried her to the couch, not breaking their kiss, and set her down gently, though he wanted to throw her. Throw her and rip every inch of clothes from her body.

He moved to her neck, kissing and sucking in a way that he knew would leave marks. That was okay with her though. It was exactly what she wanted. She let out a loud moan, a moan that brought him back to where he was, what he was doing.

He wondered what noises she made when she was in the hospital, after she took the pills. She did moan like that, only the ecstasy that he saw in her eyes was pain. Pain that he had caused her.

He pulled away. "What the fuck am I doing?"

"Please don't stop." She said, trying to pull him back on top of her.

"You have to go." He said, pulling her up instead, "I can't do this to you. Not again."

"Are you an idiot?" She asked, starting to get angry. "I came here and threw myself at you, and now you just want to throw me out? Don't you know that that hurts more than anything?"

"When I think about you, almost dying, and knowing that it was directly because of me… I can't stop thinking about that."

"I'm not that person anymore. I've grown, and I realized something that I could only teach myself. I don't need you, Barney. I just don't. But I know this. I know that I can live without you, and I still _want _to be with you. And now you're saying that you changed your mind? You don't want to be with me anymore?"

"Of course I still want to be with you. I'll always want to be with you. Just not like this."

"What if I wasn't drunk? What if tomorrow, when I'm sober, I still want this? Then can we be together?"

He nodded, his hopes racing higher than he imagined possible. "Make sure that you call me when you get home so I know that you made it back okay."

She leaned over and kissed his cheek softly. "I will."

His heart raced, as he thought about the events that took place that night. It was possible that he was going to end up with Robin. The only thing that had to happen was she had to remember, and still want it.

His heart sunk, when he really thought about the probability of that happening. People do stupid things when they're drunk. They say things, and they think it's what they want, but then they wake up with a hangover and realize that they were just kidding themselves. He assured himself that this was what would happen the next day, this way if that's what happened, he wouldn't be hurt.

Who was he kidding? If that happened, he would be devastated.


	19. Chapter 19

**A/N: This is the second to last chapter. I hope you guys like it! I already have my next chapter fic planned, and I really can't wait to start it. Thank you for all of the reviews!**

Barney didn't sleep. How could he possibly when his mind kept racing at the possibility of everything that could happen if only Robin remembered? It was crazy, and he knew that he was getting ahead of himself, but he was already imagining their children, and the summer home they could get some place warm, like Malibu or Miami. He imagined everything that he did on an ordinary night, only this time it was different, because there was a chance, even if it was a long shot, that this could actually happen.

He poured himself a scotch when the sun rose. She was probably still fast asleep, so he wasn't worried. She was going to call. Okay, maybe she wasn't, but there was still hope, right? He sighed and set his glass down. This was going to be a long day.

He almost picked up his phone and dialed her number at least ten times before noon. "Pull yourself together, Stinson." He scolded to himself. If she wanted to call, she would.

He watched the clock like it would make a difference, but all it did was cause him to lose hope as the numbers increased slowly. It was basically torture, really, because he knew that the later it got, the greater chance there would be that she wouldn't call.

"She probably got coffee." Barney said out loud. "She probably went out with Lily; They drink coffee together sometimes I think. Yes. That must be it. They'll probably get lunch too, might as well if they're already out." He smiled and loosened his tie a little. "Good." He said. "I'm glad that I got that figured out."

But lunch time passed, and she still didn't call, and Barney was really starting to lose it. He kept checking his phone, as if it did any good. "Come on, Scherbatsky." He said in a muffled voice. "Don't let me down."

It was six before he realized that he hadn't eaten a thing all day, so he had two options stay home and cook (yeah right) or go out and get something, but what if she called while he was out and wanted to come over? What if she showed up and he wasn't there, and in those few minutes that it took him to get back to him apartment she changed her mind again. No. Barney could handle the hunger, but right now he couldn't leave.

At what point was he supposed to give up? At what hour did he take his suit off, and just go to bed. Not at eight, of course, the night was still young; there was still plenty of time for her to call. He sighed, starting to think that just maybe she had no idea what the hell happened last night and that perhaps she wasn't going to call.

Just as he was about to cry, or scream, or smash his phone against the wall… It rang. And the caller ID said the one most beautiful word in the English language, or Canadian Language, or whatever the hell it was. He didn't even care that "Let's go to the Mall" (which of course was her own personal ring tone) would be stuck in his head for the rest of the night, because his phone was telling him that "Scherbatsky" was calling, and honestly, that was the only thing that mattered.

"Hello." he said, hoping that he didn't sound too anxious, but who was he kidding, of course he was anxious. He'd been sitting around his apartment since she left waiting for this call.

"Hey Barney, where are you?"

"Home." He said, quickly. Too quickly. He mentally told himself to calm the hell down.

"Well what the hell, get to MacLaren's, Ted's buying the next round."

"Oh… that's why you called me? Because you wanted me to come to the bar?"

"Uh, yeah. Come on."

His heart sank. She didn't remember. This was Robin calling to tell him to come to the bar because that's what they were to each other… friends. He knew that this is what he should have wanted. He told himself, he told Robin, that friendship was what he wanted, but who was he kidding? He wanted to be with her, and not just because they had great sex. He had, somewhere along the line, turned into the most pathetic Teddy-est excuse for a man. He should have told Robin no. He said have said that he was tired and was going to go to sleep instead. He was about to, until she said:

"Come on, I could really use you tonight. Ted won't stop whining about that girl that dumped him and I'm pretty sure Marshall and Lily are doing weird hand stuff under the table."

So instead of saying what he should have which was: "No. I don't think I can go out tonight." He said what he knew he wanted to say…

"I'm on my way."

-xxx-

"It's about time." Robin said, as Barney pulled a chair up next to Robin. "If I had to listen to Ted for another second talking about how he's positive he lost "the one" I was going to lose it."

"Hey." Ted said. "I'm sitting right here."

She patted his hand. "Sorry, Honey, but you're kind of a mess. And Marshall and Lily, I see what you're doing under there."

Lily turned a light shade of pink. "We have to go." She said, pulling Marshall's hand and dragging him to what they were all sure was some above average, but not mind-blowing sex.

"I just want what they have." Ted sighed, as Barney took their spot.

"What? Something that's gross and makes all of your friends uncomfortable?" Barney said. They were the first words he said since he saw Robin, and they didn't come out right. He didn't expect tonight to go this way. He would never admit this, especially to Ted, but he already had the kind of love that they did. The trouble is, once you get it, you can't get rid of it. And sometimes the person you want to be with gets drunk, confesses her feelings then doesn't remember a second of it the next day.

"I'm not talking about the weird stuff. I'm talking about everything else. They love each other… so much."

"I think it's time to slow down on the beer Teddy West Side." Robin said with a snort. "What they have is just… silly." Barney swore that he heard something in her voice, something that sounded like maybe she didn't mean the words that she said.

Barney agreed with her anyway. "Who needs that anyway? The only bonus is guaranteed frequent sex."

"And maybe it would be nice to have someone to go to brunch with every once and a while." Robin added.

He wanted to look at her so he knew how she was feeling, but he couldn't, because he knew that there was a good chance that there would be nothing there. He would see no hesitation, and it would confirm that she had no idea of the promises that they made the night before.

"Well, whatever." Ted slurred. "I'm going to bed, because that's what lonely men in their 30s do at 9:30. They just go to bed and give up."

"I would feel bad for him if I wasn't laughing at how pathetic he is." Robin said with a chuckle when Ted was safely on the other side of the bar and out of earshot. "Whatever, what do you say we get out of here? I could really go for a cigar."

"Oh… I don't know." he said, looking into his drink. I'm kind of tired."

"Come on. Don't Ted out on me."

He wasn't going to make her beg. Really, she didn't even have to ask. "Let's go." He said, throwing a few bills on the table to cover both of their tabs.

"You know when cigars taste best?" She said, stopping once they reached the exterior of the bar. "Well I don't know about you, but I always enjoy my cigars best after having amazing sex with… with the person that I love."

He made his eyes meet her's, and everything he was feeling before was gone because she was grinning at him and she had that gleam in her eye, and he could have died right there.

"Wait, you…"

"We had a deal." She said, running her hand down the front of his suit. "I remember."

"You… Why didn't… I was waiting for you to call."

She rolled her eyes. "I couldn't seem to desperate now, could I?"

Oh. This was perfect. Everything about this was perfect. The fact that he could only see her silhouette in the dark room. The way that her skin felt against his as she moved closer to him. The way her mouth tasted like his favorite scotch. The way she screamed his name and dug her fingernails into his back. He's pretty sure she even cried a little, maybe they were the tears she kept bottled up all this time, or maybe he was just that awesome (what up) all he knew was that in this moment, he was with her, everything was the way that it was supposed to be, so he let her fall asleep in his arms, and he fought his urge to fall asleep with her because he didn't want to leave this moment, and he felt like he was Ted, or Lily or Marshall, but that was okay, because he kind of was, and as much as he hated to admit it…

He wouldn't change what he had for the world.


	20. Chapter 20

**A/N: I'M SO SORRY THAT THIS TOOK SO LONG! My computer broke. :/ But anyway, this wasn't what I originally planned to be the ending, but someone in a review suggested something like this, and it actually sounded better than what I had in mind, so here we go.**

They never thought they would see the day. Lily never thought that she would be putting the finishing touches on Robin's make up, Ted never thought that he would be helping Barney make his final tie decision, and Marshall never thought that he would be crying happy tears in a bathroom stall, waiting for the moment that two of his best friends promised to love each other forever.

"You nailed it." Ted reassured Barney, knowing that the tie really didn't matter, and the tie was of course a metaphor of Robin. He couldn't deny that Barney and Robin were perfect for each other. None of them could, and as much he wanted it, he and Robin, they just didn't make sense as anything more than friends.

"The bride needs to see you." Lily said, popping her head in. "Don't you dare say anything that will put her make up in danger, though, I don't have time to fix it."

The day hadn't exactly gone off smoothly, what with the mistake at the bakery and the flower mix up, Ted, being both the best man and the maid of honor (he begged Robin to stop calling him that) had been the number one go to person when it came to damage control.

"Ted." She said as he entered the bride's room. "Ted, I'm freaking out."

"Robin, you love Barney, okay. He loves you, and you're going to walk down the aisle and-"

"No, shut up. That's not why I'm freaking out."

"Then what is it?"

"As my maid of honor-"

"I've asked you to not call me that"

"You have to make me a promise." She sighed. "You know how I was like… you know when the whole Cassidy thing was going on?"

Ted cringed, remember the paralyzing fear one feels when they see their best friend after and attempt at suicide. To say that that memory haunts him would be an understatement, he would never tell this to her of course. He knew that place she was in, and so did she, in a way, he kind of blamed himself. "I remember." He said quietly.

"If I ever get back to that place-"

"You won't." He assured her. "That place you were in was dark and scary, and it wasn't you. You won't go back there."

"But if I do, you have to get my out of there, okay?"

He nodded. He though that he already proved that he was willing to do that, but he could see what she really needed was reassurance.

-xxx-

Barney was good and holding his emotions in and pretending like thing weren't a big deal. He was good at pretending like he didn't love, or fear, or hurt, but the truth was that there was nothing stopping him from letting out a tear when he saw Robin in her wedding dress for the first time. He felt like such a Ted, but damn, she was so beautiful. Not that she needed a white dress and pink roses to make her beautiful, if she walked down that aisle with a naked face and sweat pants, he would still not be able to hold back his lame, Ted-like tear.

"You look awesome." He whispered in her ear, when she finally reached him.

"You sure Barney Stinson is ready to be tied down?" She responded playfully.

There were a million things he could say to her in this moment. That he had never been more sure of anything in his life seemed kind of cliché. Kissing her like his mother wasn't watching would have been kind of tacky, so instead he just smiled at her and said "If you jump I will jump too." Only this time, there weren't on a roof, and this time he knew that she going to take that extra step.

_And if you take that last step I'll follow you_

_Leave the edge and fly_

_We're finally alive._

**A/N: I know that this story got a little OOC, but that's okay, that's why it's called a fanfiction. Anyway, thank you for all of your reviews, even if you hated the story, *shrug* I liked writing it, and thank you for reading! Also, I know I'm really cheesy, but I'm not sorry, I like cheesy stories a lot. (Also, I just reread the whole thing, and I really decided that I don't even like it, but that's okay, I'll leave it up anyway)**


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